two tests, a quiz and a cafeteria

Two tests today. Muahahaha, LAN 1003 begone! No more Sejarah, or Malaysian Studies or whatever. Forever! Muahahahahaha! And Physics, thou causeth worrisome feelings no more, for now forsooth. And tomorrow two quizes actually. But one is gonna be really easy so it don't count. And the other is gonna fuck me so bad I better get some lube, lolz. Meh. That just sounded wierd. And disturbing. Cafeteria is a rather not perfect place. The decor is fine. It's the vendor setup that's so cheesy. Anyways, I don't eat there. I just sit there for the air conditioning. And the chap fan is cheaper outside anyways.

Sometimes I like to feel ostracized. Then it would give me a reason to rant at the world. And perhaps give me some actual emotion other than pain and anger. Those are the only two things I can actually feel. I don't feel fear as an emotion. It's more like an impending disaster, a pit in the stomach, and the dread of doing stuff. More like pain. Although, it is actually fear. And anger. I feel lots of it.

I want to feel happy. Only felt happy twice in my life. One was out of the blue, the other I'm bound not to mention why. I want to feel sorrow. I want to be able to cry so much that there's no tears left to cry. The only time I cry is when I'm furious. Tears of anger, I think, are meant to cool down your eyeballs so they don't ignite. Mine go ablaze when I'm mad. I want to feel love, the love I have for a special someone. It's one thing to know how much I love her, but it's another to feel it the way everyone describes it. It's supposed to be a passionate fire within, the restless soul, the joyful jump, the constant thumping of the heart. I know how much I love her, how much I care, how much I'd give for her, but in the end, why is there no soulfire? Or if there is, how come I don't feel it?

What is wrong with me? I lack so many emotions. Maybe it's because they are really new to me. Maybe I can't feel them because I don't know what they are. Regardless, is it a bit much to ask to have a soul of sorts? God has lead me a long way, and yet I have not felt the soul speak, or if I have, ignored it. Only now am I beginning to understand basic happiness. I find joy with helping others find theirs in life. To counsel the broken, tell them random metaphors and hope that they will find their own answers and be encouraged, it helps me find purpose. And another is family. It would be tragic if the oldest grandson on the father's side would to die a painful and horrifying death and smash their dreams. And not to mention selfish. Sigh.

A souless wreck with no feelings. That's what I see in the mirror. A disgustingly ugly freak is what I think of most of the time. And what breaks me up more is the fact that the probability of people agreeing with me are very high. You'll never understand if your whole life is spent preening in front of mirrors even though you know you don't need to. You'll never understand if you have never been rejected as a person by random people for how you look, how you walk, how you talk. Worse still are those that smile in front, but stick a knife in your back. It all hurts, and it all cuts deep. Thank high heavens for my thick skin and thicker skull. I should be really really beyond help, but for those defects. Thank God for those little blessings disguised.

Cut

The first is deepest
The second hurts as bad
The third teaches lessons learnt
And the fourth only shows you're sad
The fifth is a reminder
The six shows what you're worth
The seventh represents your abilities
And the eight is a symbol of your birth
The ninth and tenth only serve to show
That life is full of painful cuts,
The last is the final blow.