being sad

I've stopped being angry from yesterday. I decided to take that English poetry thing as a compliment and I will prove to her I can write soulful poetry, that is if I can keep myself alive till Monday...

I feel very very sad. Not depressed. Not angry. Just sad. And tired. Because that's what I am. The reasons abound as to my slightly melancholic state of emotions right now, not least of which are that a stack of homework sits on my right. Another reason would be that I finally and most finally got a particular friend of mine for many years to spill from his mouth words that everyone knew about but he never spoke. Congrats man, you finally have the balls to speak your soul.

Melancholy is eating away inside. Kinda like a worm in an apple. The outside you see as a nice fruit, pick it up and it still looks nice, albeit a bit light. Bite into it and you'll get the rudest and bitterest shock of your life. The inside will be rotten. Really really rotten. Man, where do I get all these analogies?

I think maybe it's seeing other people living their lives past me. I know, sometimes they do face troubles beyond these miniscule ones I face, but I think it's the fact that they go through it with such forcefullness, with such life, that I cannot compare. I know, many wish they could go through life like me, solving problems so easily, or moving on from all the emotional baggage. Trust me people. It's not as good as you think. You'll end up feeling very unfulfilled. It's like you do not need a soul to pull you through the day. And you end up not using it, and it rots away.

It's even worse when I realise that I am better at many things people say I am; school, art, words... If I'm so good, why do I not feel happier? It makes me feel so ungrateful and stupid all at the same time. If you disagree with this, voice it in writing here, where everyone can see it. Don't come and tell me in person. Write it, at the bottom of this post. Right here. Show me and the world how stupid I am. Prove to them and to myself.

It's getting to be a burden to live everyday. It's getting hard to smile the smile I always greet people with regardless of mood. It's getting hard to look at people in the eye without feeling a raging envy. It's getting hard to do anything at all. And I still continue to do it. What am I, a sadist? Sigh. The hardest thing, thankfully, is convincing myself that it's time to end it all. Hallelujah.

Falling out of Bed

I fall out of bed
In the morning
And I want to crawl back in
But I can't

I hobble into the bathroom
Picking up the toothbrush
And look into the mirror
I see death

I pull on my clothes
Onto a fading wreck
And I feel the dying heartbeat
I choke

I walk down to breakfast
Alone into the room
And pick up my coffee
The cup spills

I walk out the door
To face the careless world
And I halt
As I drop lifeless to the floor