inside or outside

Okay, this post is officially for yesterday. I was basically not home the whole day so I can't really be blamed for late posting. Besides, it's only been an hour since yesterday. Anyways, on to the topic.

A little and short information exchange barely an hour ago brought back melancholic to my list of moods. And a depressed pondering about my inadvertant self-centered actions towards people I regard as friends.

I just realised that among a certain group of companions I have, there exists this circle, or clique if you must, that includes certain members, a list of which I do not seem to feature in. This would be bad, except for the fact that I realise it is not my choice to be included in said list, or perhaps I am, but only on a minor basis. The factor that actually brought about my knowing this is that all the other members featured in this group seem to have a very keen understanding of each other, or to put it another way, they share secrets they would not spill under pain of death with each other within the said circle. And the very fact that I was not included or rather not informed of such facts precludes the conclusion that I am not a member of the said circle. To put it simply, they tell each other lotsa stuff, but not me.

I realise also that they behaviour towards me all these years are more to like a familiar aquaintance rather than an actual friend. This let to much head slapping and self berating over much stupidity. All along I assumed that I was within close trust of this group, when actually, they saw me more like an outsider of sorts but within a rather localised face that they could greet on the street. I wonder if it is because of me, or rather they do not particularly fancy me as a member of the group. I do not blame them, because I did use to be very overbearing and condescending as a person, and sometimes I do lapse back into that habit. I annoy myself greatly, and I do not fancy myself as a good friend. At any rate, I hold myself as a friend to the group, even if they will not hold the same to me. All is understood, and nothing to forgive, for no trespass against me wrought, but many of mine against them stand. I apologise if I scathe any feelings. Talk to me if I'm wrong.

On last night, not too bad for an impromptu, ad hoc and irregular upstart of a social function, where random people were sketched together into a home of a very friendly and overly generous Evans Kong. Sometimes that guy is just so patient I feel like crying when I compare myself to him. Sigh. Anyways, the yee sang was good, the fish still fresh and best of all the wine was smooth. Yeah. And then there was the mahjong. Woohoo that was good. Though I think I lost a buck. Didn't really count. But I did count on more people knowing how to play. Meh.

The afternoon before the dinner was a sorta unusual one of sorts. I went shopping. With girls. A guy went shopping with two girls. Now imagine the situation from my point of view. Ergh. Enduring the constant drifting from shop to shop. And the blatant indescision. I hate undecided people. Anyways, Kavs got her Valentine's outfit and Veevs got shirts. And me, I got mahjong paper. And we went to see Constantine. Slightly morbid that movie, but truly, interesting and absolutely funny ending. Wierdness, lolz.

Am I inside the circle? Am I outside? Am I in any? Or am I out of all? Does it matter? Do I care? For the people I will offer friendship, even when none is given in return. For the scorn that might be piled onto me, I take it freely if it is due to myself. All in all, I hope for a chance to make that difference to you, to make a good change in anyone who cares enough to wait and let it happen. Otherwise, my offer always stands.

Circle

in out over side
hopping jumping skipping peering
and all along i've never been a part
the round and round thing that goes
bumping me all over and yet
i stand like a fool
stupid and daftly catching it
when it falls and crashes
i take the hits hurt though
i am a stupid fool and daft
peering through glass walls
into a crystal sphere
watching figures taunting me
painfully i watch but ready to catch
the bright globe i pledge to catch
even though it won't catch me in return
fools run where i do
after a bright bauble of precious
things that dance within
and whisper goading taunts
but ever do i run
run and run and run and run
to make sure of all things
beginning and ending
mending and breaking
never letting fall the
circle