worthlessness...

Sigh. Today was supposed to be a wonderful day, instead I realise how stupidly fucked up I can be. Arrogant and stupid, and also hopelessly insensitive, what DOES she see in me? I should have known better, from the first time she said no. But instead, I had to think like I knew everything. Sigh. Fuck me, rape me, shoot me in the head point blank, and still you would not have done enough justice. Stick my head on a pike, have people dance on my grave, piss on my ashes, and damn my soul to hell, and you'd get closer. Fuck. Why did I ever insist on her coming to the dance class. I promised to never put her into a tight spot, and there I went. So fucking insensitive. What the fucking hell is my fucking problem!?!?!

To add to the pathticness of today, I ran out of cash. Yeah. Ran out of cash. So basically she paid for everything. Fuck. How lame can I be? I'm surprised she'd stay around me, let alone keep me. Sigh. I'm so worthless, I'd go kill myself, except that I know it will make her feel worse, though I have no idea why it would. Worthless moron I am. Yeah, she said she's stupid, I'd have to agree on the point that she is for choosing me. Like, dead stupid. Why, Wen? Why, why, why, why? I feel like dying.

Yes, I was upset. Yes, that's what I was thinking of. Yes, I was really angry. At myself. At my fucking worthless self. I made you cry. How do I justify that? It wasn't tears of joy, most obviously not. And I was to much of a pile of crud to be able to comfort you. What sort of worthless moron am I?!?!?!

You want me to feel better? I'll tell you how. Take a knife, stab me in a hundred places. Yes, drain me of my lifeblood, every last drop. And it still won't redeem what I did. If I can't even comfort you when you're crying, how the hell am I supposed to protect you when something dangerous comes? Of all the bad mistakes in the world to make, why make this one? I should have said no, at the very beginning. Would have saved you a world of agony. A world of agony I foresaw. But, no, I was too selfish, too entralled by the idea that someone would be attracted to me, for whatever reason. Too selfish to realise that that person would suffer a whole deal on account of me. Too fucked up to do anything to change that situation. Still, if you're not gonna stab me, I want you to beat the hell out of me the next time we meet. If you'll still consent to see me.

I'm sure you can tell I feel like crap. Well, surprise, I am. Well and truly am a pile of festering shit. So worthless, not even flies visit. I want in my deepest soul to be able to cry my heart out, maybe in the hopes that each tear could redeem for each one you shed. But no, I can't, and even if I could, no amount of tears on my part could account for even one of yours. Why am I so worthless. Like I said before, I am not worthy of you, and you agreed. Why, then, did you not go look somewhere else? What is there to love in this reject?

I want to be there to protect you, to be there for you, to be the one who guides and guards you. Instead, I'm the one who causes you grief. All from my own stupid insensitivity. Even though you have accepted my apologies, it's not the same knowing what I did. If it was on account that it was an afterthought of mine, sure, that would suffice. But the problem is that it wasn't just an afterthought. I thought that I could change you. Make you enjoy dancing. Change your personality. I guess, that makes it selfish.

I don't blame you if you hate me now. In fact, I'd be glad you did. That means that you see me for what I am. If you ask for a breakup, I won't say no. I'd be selfish and a stupid fucking jerk if I did. You deserve better, and I'm the one stopping you from getting it. Considering how worthless I am at covering my mistakes, I'd say this is the best consolation you can get.

My heart is breaking. Due to my own mistake. It always does. If I don't die in body, my soul is dying. I cannot live with this, especially knowing that I'll hurt her again. Breaking down in body is not too far off. And I probably will finally tie that knot around my neck tight enough this time...

Jin-the-fucked-up-asshole-of-a-moronic-jerk-who-deserves-to-die out.