i forgotten why i am...

I really am so screwed. I should die. How much would you people miss me if I were to dissapear from the face of this world entirely. I do not think you could honestly answer that question. I wish myself dead. I'm surprised I'm cracking with so little pressure. Must be the new self that I've become. Normally I wouldn't give a fuck, but now I seem to care so much. I care TOO much. I care where I shouldn't care at all. I want to break a wall, but I only break my hands.
Next semester I have decided that I do not want to do Photography, at least not as a leader. It's fine if I did a good job the first semester and screw the next cuz I'd be leaving. But I'm failing at my first attempt, and it's unlikely I will be trusted again. My integrity and dependibility are being tested here, put on the line, if you wish. Strange, considering I have neither. To have built such a good reputation only to lose it like this is tragic. I'll have to do some serious remedial work if I want to save this, but nothing if I don't. I'm a lazy fucker so I don't think I'm likely to. Besides, what use am I to the college? Sure, nice grades, but that's not the point. Nice grades only count if you are a well rounded person. And me, I'm just round. Fat, that is. And also, I pretty much suck at everything I try. Or my expectations are too high. Whatever. I'm not gonna put myself in these situations again for a long time. Like any lameass, I never learn my lesson.

I don't understand why she loves me. I have none of the redeeming qualities of a good mate. I'm lazy, I'm stupid, I'm arrogant, I'm relatively unattractive, I'm annoying. The list goes on. Oh, self centered too. Only an arrogant pisshole would write about himself just to attract attention to himself. I need a fetish to keep my mind focused, lolz. I'm pretty much going insane, and although me and Wen are both crazy, I don't think it's fair to ask her to love an insane moron. I'm a really bad mate, of any type. Classmate, schoolmate, soulmate, mate-mate. I am so stupidly fucked up at it. Sigh. Overcooked brains.

It's abnormal. I'm not a beautiful person. Not in any way. Not by looks, though I will no longer say I'm ugly, cuz that would make Wen really upset, nor by personality, though I would say I'm interesting. But I will say that I'm less presentable than like. It's a wonder anyone ever seems envious of me. People are never satisfied, true, and everyone has something above everyone else, that's also a given. But somehow, I do not see how my miniscule advantages over people can possibly make my position anymore envious than how I would envy a porn star with a footlong dick. Okay, a bit extreme a comparison. How about, anymore than I'd envy Micheal Jackson for his nice complexion.

Tell me, what do you see in me that's so beautiful that you cannot find in other people? Everyone has that something, but what is it that's mine? I'm not meant to find it, I know, but I defy my fate, I defy everything, and they all come back to rape me. I live contrary to my own advice, but according to my philosophies which I share with everyone. It's a contrarian life for someone built differently from the rest. Mentally I'm built in a seperate color scheme not involving visible light. Physically, I'm built to a rather abnormal specification, but to a normal appearance. If you don't understand, take a look at a recent previous post and you'll see what I mean. Death will claim me through a different way than most people.

I think Wen is making me go crazy. I miss her dearly, hearing her voice is both bliss and torture over the phone. I can hear her, but she's not really here. It's like eating chewing gum, you chew and chew and chew but you can't swallow. Stupidity.

I forgot the real reason I wanted to blog today. The intense rage and depression is gone. I think it was all in the email I wrote to Wen. Maybe I should do something interesting soon. Maybe go get a piercing of some sort somewhere. I can't be responsible for my lack of irresponsibility. I've always been unreliable, so I don't have to worry too much about dissapointing anyone severely. So there.

I love Evon. Jin out.