contemplation

Sitting in Com Lab 5, having my coaster evaluated, it works the best of all present coasters. Praise be. Still, I'm feeling very crapped out. Calculus was teribble, couldn't do anything at all. It was horrendous to say the least. And I was so funked out, absolutely stoned if you ask me. Terrible terrible terrible. Pure evilness.

Feeling slightly better from last night. I guess it's just that I'm not used to the feeling of being helpless. And I felt so absolutely helpless, worthless, pointless, when she was just sitting there. You know how it feels to be strapped down, seeing the people you love suffer, while you can only lie there and watch? It was like that, only worse. Worse because I know it was my fault, in no small part.

I could cry, but I suppose the fact that she's feeling fine, makes me feel better. Hehe, also, she's going back to work, so that means she'll have less time to think about it. Still, it won't be for a long time, just a short while. And me, I should get back on track. I'm too fucked up all over to do anything useful. What the hell went wrong, I don't know. Usually my emotions are absolutely seperate from my logic, but ever since her, I don't know. Everything I think of, can't really get her out of my head. It's terrible on one scale, but I wouldn't give it up. No, never had anyone love me like I love her. It's something that you don't taste and then give up for blander things.

The thick, phlegmy feeling after you've had a long long cry, or after a protracted flu, it overwashes me. My senses are sluggish, I feel slow, and lame, and worthless. I could just sit and stare into oblivion for a long long long long time, but somehow, it doesn't stay. I wish that oblivion would swallow me up, then she would have to move on. It's a fucked up existence to know that your very being causes the one you love to hurt. It's even worse knowing that it's also the thing that drives her (am I being narcissistic?). You can't kill yourself, but you can't bring yourself closer. And there's no measure of distance that would bring a perfect balance.

I know every relationship has its ups and downs, but I never expected such a terrible down to come so soon. It's a roller coaster ride, on a monumental scale, and the passangers pay with their lives. Each one runs on a different track, ones that we build as we go along. There are very few horizontal stretches, and boring as they may seem, we should learn to cherish them. They are the only reprieve we have from the onslaught of emotion that we feel. Terrible terrible fucked up me. I should die, and I should let me be. Rotting away in the sunlight, people staring at the carcass and laughing, what a pathetic little munch.

I love her. I'm sure you can tell. Why does my heart make me feel so terrible to be so? I should rip it out and become an uncaring, unfeeling, thing. There's no word to describe me in the purest form, and there should never be one. It will be a profanity upon the earth, a blight by which the very taint of it would mark the one who speaks and the one who hears. It would curse on to neverending times, that all should forgo their lives to hear one speak of me. Ahh, the sheer poetry of the word destroys me to no end. I should end my random ramblings. Someone take my eyes out, that I may no longer see the pain I cause. Someone take my ears out, that I may no longer hear. Someone take my tongue out, that I may no longer taste. Someone take my touch out, that I may no longer feel. Someone take my mind out, that I may no longer think. Someone take my soul out, that I may no longer be.

Jin out.