blessed but damned...

I tell you, it's insane. They have an absolute distrust of me. Sigh, don't blame them really. I mean, if you look at me you can see how irresponsible, how reckless, how ignorant, how stupid I am. It's not that hard to see why they don't trust me a shit at all. After all, being 18 don't mean fuck if you're all that, right? Honestly, at this rate, I should just die. Like right now.

If it wasn't for her, I would have no reason to go on living. This is no an overdramatisation. Honestly, I have nothing to look forward to. In the past, I used to have games to give me purpose, sad as it may sound. Everyday was just to bring me closer to the finish of one game and the start of another. Then, somtime this year, it stopped. Like, absolutely. I had nothing to power me at all. Sure, there was college, but that was just something to complete, I felt little personal satisfaction, and as you well know, satisfaction is not the same as happiness. I've only truly been happy a few times in my life, and each time that happened, life tried to take it away.

Sometimes parents can care for you in such the wrong way. Too much. Like take for instance, they want to avoid you getting hurt so badly, they hold you tight, so tight that you can't breathe and you hurt worse than if you were to go out and do it yourself. It's even worse if you're the firstborn. I tell you, since they're still new at this, as far as letting go is concerned, it's so unbearable sometimes. Absolutely. I had this talk with Mom like 5 minutes ago, and all throughout she was speaking as if I knew nothing. I really really felt like standing up, getting a knife and gouge my eyes out, cut off my hands and fling my body off a cliff. I don't know how I can do this anymore. It's pure torture, and worse thing is she painted such an absolutely bleak bleak bleak future, something about being a lameass partner. Yeah, don't have to rub it in. I know I'm lame, I know I'm worthless, but is it too much to ask that that fact isn't highlighted all the time?

Had a wonderful day yesterday, but the night was torture, lolz. It wasn't even the "meet the parents" part. It was the anticipation of meeting them. I haven't had butterflies in my stomach since, well, since the last time I ate butterflies, lolz. Seriously, haven't felt like that in ages, almost threw up. Then when her parents, and the rest of the family, conveniently, came, I was fine as day. No problem. It was the walking off, when that drop in the pit of the stomach came back. Oh crap, I was shivering. And she was like, I don't know how to say. Lolz. Went back, expected a good screwing for being late, but that was saved for 5 minutes ago.

Ergh. It's always the "I'm dissapointed in you" talk. Like when since have you never been dissapointed with me? Even when I do things well, you're never proud of me. I can count the number of times you said that on one hand. But I cannot recall how many times you have most obviously stated that you've been dissapointed in me. Impossible. This leads to two conclusions: either your expectations are impossibly high, or that I'm just dissapointing. And given my track record with everyone else, I'd say it's the latter. No surprise. Why do I keep bringing this up? So dissapointing...

Gonna see her again today. Going to Times Square to ride the roller coaster. Hehe, miniature models are not good enough for my darling, the big one is the one we want. So we're going to do that, maybe go to Jalan Silang for lunch. I know this great place. Sigh, gonna have to start earning money. Sure, I know my Dad's not gonna pay for my dates, like duh, but it's not my fault I'm not earning. They still don't trust me enough to let me have a job and do college at the same time. Even though I'm top of all my classes. I think my biggest fault is that I always give to good an initial impression. There I go, coming back to the same topic again, definitely it's me who's dissapointing. I want to just break down and smash some walls right now. Or get run over by a bus so it'd look like some accident. Then no one would have to feel so guilty.

I love my darling, and I don't want to hurt her. But I don't know why, I feel as if I dissapoint her too. Is it just me? I hope so. Sigh. It bites to be me.

Jin out.