the truth is...

Interesting, what Japanese concepts used in anime can do to your mind. Just finished the Ragnarok series (yes, yes, cheesy), and although the storyline is rather predictable, it was something I had to do after waiting a fucking long time (like 3 months) to download. One repeated idea in the show is the concept of truth. The idea was that every character in the series was seeking for truth (like, aren't we all?), but each had a seperate perception of it. To one, it was power, to another it was human reality, to another it was love, and so on and so forth. In the end, the truth was the fact that nothing is for certain, and each truth is not absolute and is subject to each and every individual. Plus, the closing episode has lots of lip-to-lip kissing between two childhood friends, lolz.

That got me thinking (everything does that these days, sigh), what is MY truth? What am I seeking? What is ANYONE seeking for that matter? For me, it was seeking who I am, at this moment, in this place, for this reason. And right now who I am is an aging teenager, on the verge of a few hours to end childhood, in my house in front of a blinking screen, for the reason that I don't wanna grow up. Strange, especially from a guy, at 17 years and 364 days and about 7 hours. Sigh.

My life is at a point that many people would envy. Money I have, brains are finally starting to work, my creative muse is at it's peak, finally getting the looks that have been missing so long (lolz, right.), making lots of connections, meeting interesting people, finally feeling valuable. And yet, there is a strong want to end it. I don't know why. I'm hoping it's just imbalanced brain chemistry. Probably is, except that imbalances don't usually last as long as 6 years. Yeap, since I was 12. Oh well.

I've taken to etching little poems into the desks in data class. I've written one rather steamy, but short one, about sex, naturally. I think about 2 on depression, 1 on suicide, 1 on love, and the one worth writing down again and typing here:

I'm dying...

Aging before my time
Have done nothing in this time
Never been loved, never been missed
Never tasted love's first kiss
Born a virgin, dying as one
I leave before the play's begun
Crying alone does me no good
How will I ever be understood
I guess I'll never know what this life means
Since I'm dying at age eighteen...