can't sleep

I've been up since 2.45 this morning. Insanity. Actually, it's okay considering I went to bed at around 10-ish. No idea why. But I seem to work best at the dead of night. Now, if only some of the work would make sense.

Sigh, I'm falling into that part where I'm starting to think too hard. Thinking about everything. Like, growing up and moving out. I suppose there comes a time in your life when you HAVE to move out. It's basically the life cycle. You grow up, find a job, get a mate, start a family, raise the family, retire, then die. Right now, I'm just not ready for that. There used to be a time when I couldn't wait to grow up and start working and so on. But right now, peering over the edge, the absolutely brutal reality of adulthood scares me. Ever since the initial euphoria has died down, and also the initial self reassurance that I will do things MY way, I can't seem to reconcile the fact that I'm no longer a teen. Not that I've ever actually been one.

Never truly had a life, sad to say. All that things you people have seen so far is just the fascade. Inside, I never really lived the life of an adolescent. Of course, that is considering a comparison with everyone else, and as far as I know it, I've never been like everyone else. In fact, I was some sort of an outcast, or in this case, an incast. I had no real group of my own, I could fit in almost everywhere, but there was always one uniting factor that distinguished me from whichever group I was currently in. Be it fashion, or games, or sports, or anything, it didn't take much to ostracize me from any group. Even the ones I was proficient in, like music, it was easy to see that I just didn't belong. Harsh truth, Kim: when you and Jane pair up at the piano, I just don't fit in anymore. Same thing to Vic, Ry, Zhao, etc. I fit in fine until they talk sports. Then I'm lost. Hell, even when they talk games I'm lost. And it doesn't get any easier when they pull me into 5D gatherings. I don't belong anywhere at all. And in college, I'm some sort of stand alone. I can talk to anyone, yes, but I can hardly say that the interests I share with any particular person even remotely allows me to be associated with such. In fact, it's kinda sad that the only reason I fit anywhere at all is because I know just a little bit of everything as to be able to make conversation, but never enough to stay for long.

Sigh, I'm not ranting, nor am I advising, nor anything with any emotional value other than melancholy. The only one I can turn to right now is my sweetheart, and I really honestly shouldn't be burdening her with this nonsense. She has a life to lead, and I shouldn't pile on anymore emotional luggage. Hell, I shouldn't even be writing this here. I'm sorry, baby. It's just that it's really late and I'm probably cranky, or slightly moody. And I know I should be doing my work, but I just can't concentrate with so many things on my mind. I love you.

Sigh. Really, really, really thinking too hard. Maybe I need more sugar. But that would only work for a little while, while the blood sugar's really high. Then when the crash comes, I will be even more depressed. Why the fuck should I be depressed at all? I really should be at an all-time high right now. I have someone who loves me for who I am, and I love her. I have resonable financial stashes, and most of my material needs met. I have functioning brains, installed with adequate software, and the functional machinery to carry out the processes.

Could it be that I'm finally turning normal? Having the urge to be like everyone else, or at least fit in with everyone else. Or perhaps, I finally found a group to call my own. People with like thinking flock towards me, and I to them. We are different, in that we don't think like everyone else, because we see the truth, and are oft more apt to suffer from it than others are, but we would rather know what is and perish than live a lie. Or would we? Sometimes, I think, for the sake of Wen, I should go to a normal life. It's not easy living with someone like me, and I know it, because I find it hard to live with myself. I know, I'd be really driveless and directionless without her, and it would be a very hard living without her. Likewise, I know that she needs me, and I want to be there for her, but not at a cost to make her suffer.

Maybe it's just that I'm still unused to the concept of relationship comittment. I really love her, but I'm so new to all of this, it sometimes just fries the circuitry. I feel the smoke rising from my head, my brain throbbing in my skull from the overload. And I wouldn't trade it away if it means giving up on what I have right now. Perhaps I'm just taking this sacrifice-myself-for-the-rest-of-the-world thing a little too seriously. Taking the hits just so others can continue at a comfortable level. My willpower will be the death of me one day, and it almost has on a few other occasions. Not that it's an entirely bad thing, but NOW I have someone to live for, and that makes all the difference in the world. I can't afford to go yet, ready as I am, because I have more unfinished business left. A lifetime to lead with that special someone, a lifetime of betterment to the world.

Don't get me wrong. I don't believe in the concept of owing anything to anyone. I don't think we owe our elders any respect because they're older. That's hogwash. We don't owe our leaders any respect just because they lead us. We don't owe anyone our lives for no apparent reason. We don't owe anyone anything by virtue of their status. Nope. We owe them only what they have given us. It's a simple concept really. If they do nothing, they deserve nothing. Take for example: the only reason I owe my parents anything is that they gave so much up for me. Likewise, I owe nothing to the leaders of this fucked up country because not only have they not given anything of value to me, they have TAKEN away from me. In this case, THEY owe ME. And don't get me started on respecting older people just because they've lived longer. Anyone can live long. Very few can live well. I respect many more kids a lot more than I respect older people. I think I've mentioned all this before, but it don't hurt repeating.

Sigh, the heart aches from distance. The soul breaks from not knowing. And my mind weeps knowing how false and doomed my world is. Only that one rose at the end of the tunnel of light can make me walk this footpath of broken glass. Lovesickness is something I'm familiar with (now), but it's not the same when you know she belongs to you, and you to her, and having already confirmed it with the world. It's not the same because you always want to be near her, to comfort her and to be comforted by her. I miss her in ways I do not understand. I miss her when she has to go to the ladies (lolz), I miss her when she has to talk on the phone, I miss her even as I dream of her while typing this. Sigh.

I don't even want to stop writing now. It's painful to do anything else. The perfect spelling and punctuation of this post is killing me even as it nourished the need to write. Perhaps I should be a writer. Or perhaps I should be a poet. Maybe I should write with a lens, or compose with film. Or mayhaps I should just perish, after having seen to her happiness, of course. Or perhaps I should just kill these thoughts right now, to end all worries from all parties. And stop this longer-than-necessary post. The clock now reads 5.20. I've taken too long to write this. It should have been done in 10 minutes. I took too long. Now my lights go out in my head. I have no more inspiration. I love you, Wen.

Jin out.