losing control...

Ah. Tis been a wonderful week indeed. I have accomplished so much, closed so many books, opened so many doors, walked so many miles. And why does it feel aimless?

I've basically lost control of my life. People are beginning to tell me what to do. The stupid part is that I'm beginning to listen to what they say. I'm falling apart so quickly, that I actually, for once, am taking orders. It feels so artificial, and yet I'm doing it. You have no idea how much I hate myself for that. Or for the other things I've done lately.

What is an accomplishment really? Is it the doing of something difficult, to completion, that it's worth mentioning? In which case, I suppose I have accomplished something big. One of the hardest things I'm doing ever, and still am doing. Or is accomplishment doing something significantly earthshattering enough to make a POSITIVE difference somewhere? In which case, I've never accomplished anything.

I've noticed while in dance class, at least two families are actively participant as a whole unit. Which almost makes me envious. I've never really been close to anyone in my family, or they close to me, not that it's anyone's fault. It just seems that no one is ever interested in anything I do. At all. I try to be interested, but more often than not, I just fuck things up so badly, it's better that I didn't bother.

I do, and I did, try to get them interested. But as always, practically everything I truly enjoy are dismissed as marvelously efficient wastages of time. Or pointless. Or could get me killed. Sometimes, I do wonder, should I stop caring? And most of the time, I manage to dismiss it. But everytime I see a family so close, it's hard. Not to say that mine is bad. No, I suppose it's just that we're not meant to be like that. It's gonna be reflective of how my parents' families are, I suppose. Nobody on either side seem particularly close, and while everything appears civil, I can see they're mostly nonchalant about each other. And so it will be in this case.

In the end, I can see myself alone in the world, and I wouldn't care about anything or anyone. I'll be busy building and destroying futures, not so much for any particular purpose, but because I am amused by it. It's shallow, but it's probably the only reason people live. Would we do anything if we're not somehow amused by it? Do not deny the fact. Even if we dispute it logically, carnally, we are amused. And that's truly all the drive we need.

I wonder at all these religious people. For all their talk of selflessness, how much of it is true? In the end, it's all to get some reward, no? In which case, that would make it selfish, because it's unlikely you'd do it if there wasn't some great prize at the end worth getting. Again, self amusement. If you could so see what I mean. Ah, why help those pathetic mewlings to heaven, if you couldn't get in yourself? Do you really love God that much? I think you love yourself more, despite what you say. And hypocrites have the worst punishment of all.

The sins of the father are visited upon the son. The question is, is there enough of the old me to demolish that idea, or have I been shattered so irrepairably that I can't?

Tis been the best week. Indeed.

Meh.