thinking again...

I was just thinking. I've had many friends, or 'friends' in the 18 years I've been around. Yet, none I have really truly kept close. I suppose it's normal for most people as well, that we all have a cycle of friends, and when your interests split, so do you.

But somehow, some people just manage to hold on to one or two people really closely. Like, forever. Or maybe forever. They keep in touch and whatnot. But me. I don't know. For those people I kept very close, it was very close, but for very short. In fact, the closest long term best friend I ever had was Adib Onny. From kindergarten up to Standard 5 or 6, I don't recall. Best friends. For about 5 years, I had a best friend.

Through secondary school I had a few, but rarely lasting more than 4 months. Sounds like a relationship? It is. A platonic one. And those are the hardest to make. It's a lot harder than being a lover. And that's being a friend. Even up to the final years of school, I rarely had a friend truly truly as close to as I was to Adib. I still know where he lives, but I haven't spoken to him in about 4 years now. The last time, it was a coincidental meet at a Tae Kwon Do lesson.

Do I miss those days? Perhaps. Sometimes, I wonder if that was what made me a loner. Is it the fear of losing another friend? I don't know.

I hope I don't insult any of you too much when I say I don't have a truly close friend right now. There is no one person I can tell everything. Well, there's Evon, but somehow, it's not the same when you're in a romantic relationship. There's something to be lost through unveiling so much in such a relationship. But in a platonic relationship, you are bound by your amiable support of each other, your common interests and goals, and your truly unselfish cares for the other person. In a romance, no matter what we think or feel, it's pure biology. And that sucks.

I can tell each of you a little something about myself. But not a single one of you knows everything I can tell.

In retrospect, I perhaps never truly had a friend. Me and Adib were friends of consequence, come to think of it. He moved on fairly quickly, in fact, I suppose I really started becoming a loner in Standard 2. Sure, he was there, but so were other kids. Maybe it isn't really noticable that I'm a loner, since I adapt so readily to a crowd. Such are the ways of a chameleon. I sometimes wonder who I really am through all that acting.

The only person now that can matter so much to me is her. And even then, I can't tell her everything. She can't tell me everything either, much as I would try to listen. To be a lover and to be a friend are things that cannot fully intersect. You can mix some, you can mix others, but you cannot put both into the same pot.

Do I ramble? Maybe it's just that time again. Maybe it's my real self surfacing. Maybe it's not. Or maybe, just maybe, Morpeus was right.

Out.