accomplisments nada...

I seem to be writing a lot these few days, eh?

I don't know. So many people seem so disappointed in me, or because of me.

Evon's disappointed that I'm not hugging her the way she likes, though she says it's just a tiny disappointment.

Dad's disappointed that I spend so much time playing games instead of doing something useful.

Ms Wong is disappointed I still make stupid stupid mistakes in geometry.

Mom is generally quite disappointed in me, I suppose.

Mrs Tan is probably disappointed that I'm not the perfect photographer she assumed I was.

Mr Meagher is probably NOT so disappointed yet, cuz he doesn't know much about me.

Ms Karen is likely to be disappointed that I'm not the top in 4U.

Everyone is disappointed in me, in some measure.

And is it my fault? I suppose it is. I've always been inferior to everything I thought I was. And what I think I am is how I project myself to be. Maybe I should fall back into the pattern I was in 8 months ago. That worked so well. Why did I ever determine to get out of it? The morbid twistedness that constantly clouded my mind was so much better in retrospect.

What have I done to justify life thus far? Nothing. What am I likely to do that will justify it? Probably a lot. But having done statistics, I know that the odds are against me doing much. In all likelihood, I will be remembered for being unconventional, the rebel without a cause. As always. Which would be perfect, if truly knew what I was doing.

To be Forrest Gump would be so nice. To be so simple, to be so perfectly unaware of the cruelties of life, even after suffering so much of it. Maybe he does know. And maybe that's why it would be so nice to be him. Ignorance is bliss, or maybe it's just the appearance of ignorance that's apparent bliss.

How many people would care about you if you died right now?

I think Asyraf would miss me a bit, cuz then he wouldn't be able to borrow my D70.

My parents would probably miss someone to wash the dishes and do other random things like fix the technology.

My sister would probably miss someone to tell stupid things she can't tell anyone else in the family about.

Evon would cry her eyes out, that's for sure.

My teachers would probably miss the unduly large and quite impractical presence in the classroom.

My brother would probably miss me, but he'd likely soon forget after getting my stuff.

My friends would miss someone to take advantage of, that's for sure.

But would the person that is me be missed? Will who I was, rather than WHAT I was be missed? And does it really matter in the end?

Had I my way, I'd never have existed. And that would have made all the difference, and none of it.

Out.