not really me
I went out this morning. Or rather this afternoon. I walked all the way to the Summit. I seem to be walking alot these days. That driving liscence is sooooo underused.
Anyway, I hooked up with a friend who is, as of a few days ago until tomorrow morning at 9, taking a break from one of the most insanely stupid excuses for a nation building exercise ever thought up by a bunch of lobotomised lab rats.
We went to watch a movie, National Treasure, which I found quite good on the premises that I like conspiracy thoery movies. Those are just sooo cool the way they think up all these probablilities. Anyways, after that we broke from the group someone and someone's boyfriend, because someone had to go for some reason. So the remaining of us went to Shakey's to get an open-faced Italian pie. And it came late. Very. Someone better teach those people how to use an oven.
Now to the point of this post: I had a conversation that I never thought I'd have with a particular person. Then it hit me (this is getting to be a bad habit), we, as a group of friends and mutual acquaintances, have grown beyond the social restrictions placed upon us by a regimented, pointless and stupid social and education system. Well, almost. In the whole time I have known these people, only a very select few have been able to talk to me on the following subjects: love, relationships, girls and boys, sex; and even then only in very hushed tones or guilty faces. I never truly understood why, but therein lies the problem.
All along, I have somehow functioned as some sort of inspiration for the people around me (some people, actually many people, have only recently pointed this out), all with my apparent aura of absolute (and rather obnoxious) self-confidence/pride/balance/whatever. So all the while I have inspired other people to do stuff (I dunno what, but apparently it's alot), it was only a cover for whatever was going on. Most people would be proud that they made a difference, but I was feeling bloody bad over it when I found out. I mean, it's good and all, but then it's living a lie and lying is like really bad cause worse than deceiving yourself, you start to believe it and it starts to become real, like it did for me. Except, that it really isn't. And the moment you stop to remind yourself that, your world kinda shatters.
So, when I finally realised it, I was mortified. All along I profess to have built and followed my own path and it wouldn't be the backstabbing, hypocrytical, lying, and downright fake life that so many people settle to have. And my worst fears came true. I became the monster I was persecuting. That somehow kills your day. So tonight at dinner, my parents somehow noticed my lack of annoying what-ever-can-do spirit that was so inherent, though fake, in me. That totally killed my night, too. Even my parents who rarely ever notice more than my lack of productivity and appalling attitude to various stuff and mistakes and whatnot, notice my deflatedness.
In short, I have never really truly been myself. Y'know, since I've done such a good job conning people, and myself, I should really become a CEO or a President or something. But of course, I can't really, because now I'm trying to be myself, at least for the sake of being honest. It is good to know that people noticed the difference, though I'm sorry to destroy a source of inspiration for many, but what the heck, you people are not the one really suffering from all this. And inspiration is easy to find these days. Lookup the Chicken Soup series.
Poem of the Day is gonna be reflective of today's post, which it has never been so far:
My Mirror
One day I looked at my Fields
And I wonder
What will I grow there
In many a more year
One day I looked at my Lake
And I wonder
What will I build there
In many a more year
One day I looked at my Love
And I wonder
What will I put there
In many a more year
One day I looked at my Book
And I wonder
What will I write there
In many a more year
One day I looked in my Mirror
And I wonder
What will I see there
In many a more year
I will plant my Dreams
I will build my Ship
I will put my Heart
I will write my Life
I will see my Self
2 comments:
Ahh... you've finally reached the point when you start questioning yourself whether you are the person that you would most hate if you met him. Well, I've reached that before. Here's my story:
One day, while chatting, my roommate says to me: "You know, I've realised that you can change your attitude and character and tone of voice and speech when talking to different people. Don't you feel like you're putting on a face to each and every person? A mask that you change depending on who you're talking to? Cause I can never do that... to me that's soo fake and revolting!"
When I heard that... I was shocked! I mean, he wasn't saying that I was fake, or at least he didn't think that I was being fake on purpose. But what he did implied was very worrying to me. Am I a fake? Am I just another actor in this world? Do I change characters at will and according to the play? AM I A HYPOCRITE?!! (something which I hated very much... you know... US Politicians :p).
It got me thinking for quite a bit... And I kept asking him to give me examples of people that I treat differently. Some of his examples were like I was a more crude with language when I'm with him and my other housemates, on the other hand when I'm talking to the top boy of my class, it'll be academic talk/career/future etc, and when I'm talking to girls it'll be a much softer tone of voice.
After much thought, I realise... NO, I am NOT fake. Sure, I do talk differently, act differently, and say different things. But that's cause its who I am... I'm NOT faking that, I am a jack of all trades. I can fit in anywhere, I am a chameleon (he did use that term). I adapt to my surroundings; my environment. It's the law of survival, to adapt.
But while you adapt, you still have to stay true to yourself. You're being true to yourself when you're sincerely wishing the person well; when you say they look pretty, they trully look pretty; when you say they're annoying... back that up with facts to why they're annoying.
I realise now that I'm older (damnit! I wanna be young stil!!) that life is about a balance. Its the Yin-Yang philosophy. There's a bit of black in white, and there's a bit of white in black. In all your honesty, there's bound to be a bit of hypocrosy; there's is still honour among thieves (not all though). For every truly evil man, there's Mother Teresa (bless her soul and may she rest in peace). For every compliment I make, there will always be an accidental insult.
Hence, quicksilverlining, do not worry about what you have done. You have built your own paths... but where did you learn to built it? Obviously from learning from someone else built theirs. You have truly been an inspiration to others, whether you intended it or not. But sometimes, you have to tell someone a lie, before they can see past it to the truth. The human mind works in a weird way, it defies physics and all other laws by taking the longer route, never the short cut. No pain no gain, right?
My advice is, learn from your past. Do not regret what you THINK you have done wrong. It is all part of the learning process. Making mistakes is being human, repeating the mistakes is foolish. So move on, don't regret, don't mull over it, but instead feel enlightened. You are, I believe, like me. We have been blessed with the gift to help others, to inspire them to greater things. So step forth and make use of that gift with dignity and pride.
-justanotherdude
Lolz. Longest comment I've ever received. Thanks a lot, older and wiser cousin of mine. You know, I've always looked up at you. One of the best persons at appearing perfect. I guess we are the great pretenders.
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