friends

It just kinda hit me. It always just kinda hits me. I hate that.

But someone pointed out that there are people out there who actually are concerned about me, let alone think about me. That's good to know. Plus, they even take the effort to find out what's wrong. And that got me thinking: that is just sooo cool.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not some kinda attention deficient maniac, though it sure does feel that way. In fact, as often as I can, I want to draw attention to the fact that I'm NOT seeking attention. Wierd.

Anyways, back to the topic. These 'ere people that are so damned concerned about me, they be called friends. It's good to know that I still have some. I must say, in the past few days, weeks, and months, mine have been acting strangely. Not towards each other, but more like towards me. Then that got me thinking, is it something wrong with them, or more likely, something wrong with me?

So I ask the people that are NOT acting wierd, have they noticed anything lately. And they say nope. So I begin wondering, and decided it probably was me. Then the confirmation fell. A good friend of mine, or rather friends (you know who you are), came to me personally and asked: what the freaking hell is up with you!?!?!?!?!?!

So I sits back and muses. And the musing brought some analytical analysis (doesn't it always?):

~My speech patterns have changed
~My sleep patterns have changed
~My random behaviour is less random
~I am boring
~I am boring myself
~I am becoming prone to depression. And stuff.
~I started a blog.

The only logical conclusion I could draw from this (anyone else wanna help me figure this?):

~I have been acting strange
~I have been acting wierdly
~I am no longer myself
~I am being what I wasn't
~I am being something else

So from there we can presume that some major changes have been going on that I was not aware of until lately. The sneaky changes. The worst kind. I hate sneaky. Unless it's me whos sneaky.

And now I have decided to do either one, some, or all of the following:

~Accept the changes and move on
~Apologise to all the people I freaked out (which in itself is freaky cuz I never apologise)
~Smack myself repeatedly and try to undo the change stuff
~Sit back and muse some more.

Damn.

Anyways, back to the friends part. I realise also that my friends have been radically warped, but probably to a lesser degree than I have. To list some (I'm sorry if some raw and torn emotions or some touchy stuff are brought up, but hell, this is MY blog), breakups, rejections, arguemnts, falling outs, breakups and more rejections, some cold and chilly feelings and so on and so forth. Normally, I would take all these like I always have: patiently, reservedly, with a witty and sometimes helpful (but usually not) comment, a listening ear, then conveniently forgetting all about it. But then somehow, all that is no longer applicable, in some sense of the word.

Now when I hear a problem, I earnestly want to hear it. I want to listen. And strangest of all, I can actually FEEL for the people involved. This just plain scares me. The one thing that had made me so successful previously was my ability to push aside any sentimental notions involving anyone too close to me. That is, I like them as friends, but I could not feel for them, I could not understand (emotionally) their pain, though I could break it down and analyse it intelligently, I could not relate to them. In short, I was an apath (for those that don't know what that means, look it up). Quite the jump to empath (look it up too).

But of course, all this newfound enlightenment has brought me one huge problem. I am now crappedly stuck in a hellhole of indecision. For a person who had at one point made it a goal to somehow rule the world (not that literally), I have lost almost all purpose in life. Yes. Absolutely. I had no one special that I would give it up for, no job or mission I would spend it on, no reason to continue it. Yeah, it sounds suicidal. And for a moment, I was. I mean, think about it. Why would a purposeless tool be kept around? It only collects dust, decays, and makes trouble for the rest. The same is true for people.

Hallelujah and praise the Lord for friends. It is through their troubles that I found my purpose (at least for now) in life. I now think (accurately I hope) that my reason for being, my purpose, is to help other people find theirs. Give them a dream to latch on to. Give them the words to make the speech. Give them the will to get it done. And most of all, give them the hope to continue when they're down.

So as far as I know, that I what I'll do. At least for now. Or until I learn html. I still hate it.

And for today's poem, I decided to explain the name quicksilverlining. If anyone thinks they can understand the meaning of it, you are most welcome to post your comments.

The Quicksilverlining

Quicksilverlining
Shifting fate of the day
Dark clouds rising
Shading the muse
Fortune comes

Quicksilverlining
Brightly the Fates smile
And quickly frown
Tides go out
Stranded alone

Quicksilverlining
Untold currents flow
The sun shines
Through clouds and flickers
Ours to hold