what should i do...

I don't know what to do anymore. It's getting tiresome for me. I love responses from my readers, but usually I don't get that much. Not too encouraging. Perhaps I should try utterly absurd and definitely offensive. But I don't think that's me. Not to mention, my schedule for everything is falling apart. I have a ton of things to accomplish, but none of the willpower to accomplish it. It's sort of a laziness thing for me, and that much I'll have to admit. Nonetheless, I'd rather that I'd do something pointless rather than sit by and do nothing.

It's not amusing anymore. I'm getting desperate. I'm so fractured that sometimes I forget to reply messages. Like last night, I had meant to reply a message from Evon. For some reason, I cleanly forgot till after 12. It's getting terrible. And the fucked up exam is about a week away. I think I'll probably fail this time. Like, whatever. I don't think I have the energy to care anymore. I have two or three more lab reports to complete, a ton of administrative things to settle, class photos to take again, a whole crapload of mediocre but essential things to handle, I'm not sure I can do anything anymore.

All this while, I've slacking away writing here, while I should be better off writing competition essays and the like. It makes more sense that way. I think my appreciation as a writer from the general public is quite poor. Maybe they don't understand my writing. Or maybe I'm just not meant to write. Haha. There's only so much good spelling and efficient punctuation can do for you. Haha. This post seems more of the nature of my private thoughts, but I suppose it's better to get it all out in the air. That way I have no hidden feelings. I hate being confused, and by consequence love confusing people, though I do it be explaining beyond the needed, rather than withold information. I'm evil that way.

Maybe it's time for another 2 week holiday. Get my affairs straight. Or hell, I think I really should have sealed this vault a long time ago. But my cravings for public recognition grows stronger. Absolutely disgusted at myself. When since have I become such an attention-whore? No idea. Might as well shoot myself. Only that I can't buy guns. Damn. I know a few good poisons, but I don't appreciate pain that much. But then again, I do. Random fantasies are interesting, even more so if you actually carry it out.

I don't really have time for this. I'm not even using what time I have to complete my long list of nonsense. It's a waste, and there's still 5 hours of community service left. And I don't think it's even coming to any effect. Maybe I should dust of my camera, and stop giving a flying fuck about what other people think anymore. It's getting worse. I yearn for the days of highschool, when I honestly deluded myself into thinking I didn't care. Our reality is based entirely on what we perceive, and what happens depends on what we choose to see happens. Time to become a recluse? That might help. Maybe I should take up the violin. That works sometimes.

I love you Evon. It's annoyingly desperate of me, but I have random urges to call you which are often negated by my overwhelming drive towards sloth. But today, I will fix everything I can. God help me.

Jin out.