pissed off day...

I'm not pissed off. But the day seems to be primed for it. Whatever.

I hate arguing with my parents. It's not the conflict. That part I enjoy. It's the fact I have to shut up if not it will extend too long and cease to amuse me. Don't know why, but they just seem to be liking to pick fights over the trivialest of things. And again today it is reinforced that I am something they regret. No surprise. I haven't given them any reason to be otherwise. And I do not regret that at all. Why should I? I don't value myself much, because few enough people do. I don't value living much. It's a good thing for Evon. Seriously. If not I'd be long gone. But then again, I don't know. After going through another arguement at random again today, I'm more than certain I don't want to get married. Sorry, darling, lolz. No, I don't. It's not safe. Not to say that you're bad, girl. It just seems to be applicable to all married women. They seem to be on some constant PMS. And although my patience is relatively long, relative to, well, ahem. But I don't think I can take it. I get anough flak at home now. I'm not going to take it anymore if I can help it.

I can't wait to move out and live on my own and not depend on my parents. That way they can stop accusing me of wasting their lives and money away. You think I want all that? I don't. I never wanted to be born, and I still don't. I can't cherish I life I never wanted. And I still don't want it. They say don't expect to be loved if you cannot love yourself. It seems, like everything else I've ever been through, or at least most of it, I'm the exception to the rule. I have someone who loves me. And I don't love myself. Hardly. She said once, I can't love her enough if I hate myself. It pains me, but I guess I don't love her enough in that case. Hate has always been a strong emotion for me. In fact, it was all I felt for a good 17 years of my life. Does that matter? I don't think so.

Maybe I'm overreacting. Then again, when do I not? Or when do I overreact? Ever? I don't know. I need to get out of the house. Soon. As it is, I'll be joining Darien later for some awkward party thing he feels obliged to grace his presence with, although as far as I can tell, he's never really had a good post-relationship relationship with his ex-girlfriends, although the social view might tell otherwise. It's a strange thing, it is. I hope this won't happen to me. I hate awkward situations. They're very, awkward. Still, I do make good conversation when you can understand what I'm saying, that is.

I hate seeing the bad side of people. But sometimes it's all I see. And I see quite a lot for someone who's going blind. Or maybe I'm already blind and everything I see is a figment of my imagination. It must be pretty big a figment, in that case. I don't think small. Ever.

Jin out.