new depressive low...
Well, this one is certainly due to my own weakness. Not like none of my problems aren't due to my weakness, but my definition of weakness tends to be other people's definitions of outstanding strength. Whatever.
I'm going to die in two weeks and two days time. My Grade 8 Piano exam is on the 4th. My scales suck. My pieces are gonna die. And they are the only redeeming grace. True enough, the only pressure I have to pass this one is myself. And I'm getting a lot of pressure indeed. Why? I love music. I love it with a sort of passion. At least, I did. Now, I'm beginning to hate it. Loathe it. There used to be a time when I'd sit at the piano about 3 hours a day, playing songs and tunes from the top of my head. Now, it's a fucking chore to sit anywhere near the piano. I feel like breaking my fingers off at the knuckles just so I don't ever have to play again.
Today, I had a replacement class. Actually, it was supposed to be on Friday, but I was slightly too stunned by the news on Friday at 4 to remember anything else. Ah. Love does that. Anyways, at today's class, I couldn't play any of my pieces properly, not that I could in the first place, this time round. The scales were all fucked up. And my head was slightly numb. The inside was number more so. My fingers didn't do what they were told. In fact, the only keyboard they are good at anymore is this one. The black one with little numbers and letters on them. And even then, not quite so good anymore.
If I fail this exam, I don't think I'll ever touch the piano again. Ever. Good or otherwise, I don't think I can take another blow. Although I've become somewhat of a better person (I hope), the process has left me weaker. That's the problem with opening up. You become weak. As I have. I feel like dying. Almost might do it. Except I promised I won't.
That's all I guess I can say without compromising too many personal thoughts. Not like I ever prized my privacy that much. I'm some sort of attention whore. Meh.
Jin out.
4 comments:
You're killing me indirectly if you break your fingers. Go ahead and break my heart.
I know it's not easy for you darling, but promise me you'll try to accept it in a better way k?
This might sound a little awkward, but stay strong for my sake, please? You know behaving in this manner is not gonna contribute anything in the positive way for either one of us, no?
Remember there's always someone supporting you. Distance may be a very annoying factor, but we gotta life live as how it's given to us. That's what you always tell me.
I love you darling, and it's a fact I don't think will change that easily in the near future. Let's stay strong together k? *huggles*
i love you, wen! *kis
Yo bro...shuddup la. You've never not passed a piano exam in your life. Some ppl are cut out for this whole piano thing and some are not. I'm not. You are. So shuddup, suck it in and practice (just make sure I'm not in or something...haha) You'll do fine.
eu jin, i agree with your sister.
there are some people who just have music in their blood and some who don't. you're one of those extremely fortunate people who do. you'll do great. =) just keep at it and don't give up. you've come too far to back down now. don't be like me.. lepas grade 6 terus lupa everything and stopped classes cuz i left the country... now i can't even play CANON properly (what a disgrace).
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