unimportance

Have you ever wondered how much weight you put onto the most unimportant things in your life? Like what to eat for lunch, or how you're gonna make it home in time for that soap opera. Or how the choice of soda you make today might influence your spending habits in future years. Or how what you say might make people think of you. Or how much your hurting yourself hurts other people. Or global warming. Or how McD's salads are actually disguised beef patties. Meh.

Sometimes, we should just sit back and render everything in our lives unimportant. Even our loved ones. Yes. Radical, no? But seriously, do that. Take that walk barefooted on burning tarmac, or a swim in hyper-chlorinated water. Or down that last 90% proof cocktail. On fire. Or do something crazy, but not likely to kill you. Like what I did on Sunday. Walking in the rain on a Sunday morning. Literally. We learn to let go of everything.

An interesting consequence of those actions is that the real importance of everything we have rushes back at us, at their true values. We realise how much other people mean to us, how much that tube of lipstick means to us, how much the remote control means to us, and how much we are worth to each and everyone of them. And we know that we are not truly alone even if we are.

The danger remains that you may not know when to stop letting everything go. Or even worse, not knowing when to pick them up again. I almost fell for that on Sunday. On Monday, I was on one of my most public meh-moods ever. I almost let everything go. Really. I was kinda like that in dance class too. Meh. And after a rather minimal dinner (much smaller than I eat now even), I sat down to write. A story. Not half done yet, but I think it might amount to something. It brings to the arrival of a thought. That nothing really matters, and yet, everything matters so much as well.

Ever given thought to how your actions are dictated by how you feel towards other people? Yeah, yeah cliched, but answer the question anyway. I thought so. We think we thought about other people, but more likely than not, we actually thought about what we wanted other people to think about us, rather than about the persons themselves. That's not a bad thing, but a tad hypocritical. And it means that we will miss doing something really meaningful very very often.

Many times I wanted to say something. Many times I gave in to that. And it so often was a mistake. After that, I decided that even if I had to say something, I wouldn't, more for the sake of people thinking stuff of me, rather than for the actual reason they would say anything about me at all. And I missed many many oppurtunities because I could not stand for what I believe in. Damn, it's a hard habit to break, but it is breaking nontheless. I still do those stupid shut-up-because-that's-all-I'm-good-for things, but I hopefully will be able to find a way out of it.

I have very little self worth right now. Very. It comes and goes, but this time my arrogance does not seem to help me override that niggling you're-nothing-but-crap feeling. Which leads to me contemplating today's whole unimportance issue. But then again, if bad things never happened, we would not have good things either. Nothing to compare it with. Hmm. More food for thought.

Shut up

Shut up, boy
That's what I used to hear
And one day
I decided it was worth to bear
And shut up I did
And said nary a word
Even if it was something I wanted
Or to insult a foolish turd
I wouldn't speak
I wouldn't talk
I wouldn't yell
Or scream or balk
Then one day
It came to light
I had to speak
To break a fight
But no not I
I wouldn't budge
I just shut up
Fearing I would be called sludge
I had to speak
Telling truth or having lied
It didn't matter I didn't talk
So I just shut up and died