not doing what i'm supposed to...

I'm sitting in Taylor's Library right now. In the same place where I first started this blog. At a time when this blog looked really different. In a time when I had yet to meet my darling. In a time of severe boredom and free periods. In a time of nothing better to do. Lolz. Sounds like some boring old crap some old man would say. Well, I AM an old man, lolz. At least, technically a man, but still very boyish in behaviour. Aiks, feeling sheepish again. Grinnning with my right side of my lips curled upwards, making the face feel distorted, listening to She Will Be Loved on my Zen, while around me the world spins to a halt, while I should be doing something about the Data and Physics tests that are coming up in the next hours. Oh well.

My darling probably just woke up, and didn't know I have a free period, lolz. Oh well, if she checks, then she will know I'm here. Then in that case, I should probably be examining the squiggles in this open holder in front of me. My writing, when it's for my eyes, are so incomprehensible that I have to REMEMBER what I wrote there. If not, I can't read what's on it. The ink marks only serve to remind what I wrote there, not actually a statement of what I did write. And with Physics, that is really really bad cuz the formulae are precise. Eheheh. I used formulae, rather than formulas. Being correct to the point of annoying! Mwahahaha.

Oo, err, I have about another 30 mins before I go in for the Data test. Ehehe. Should do something about it, maybe. Oh fuck, skipping break today. At least PokX can't tempt me again today. Mwahahaha! Randomness. Boringness. Mehness.

Loving my sweetheart deeply. Missing her much. Jin out.

sheepish

First, a definition of sheepish. Very sheeplike, or feeling like a sheep, to say, foolish, or not very intelligent, or in Cantonese: pai seh. That's the mood I'm in right now. Yesterday's random melancholy is gone, don't know why it was there in the first place. Hehe. Also, I know for one thing that I'm very lucky to have someone love me for who I am (can't say that enough, cuz I always seem to forget that). So sheepish me would like to apologize for misinterpreting a few things, and would like to give a big thankyou to all those who cared enough to leave tagged messages on the side, although I really much prefer actual comments. You people's just being lazy.

The coaster is now working to perfection. The time is sufficient, it runs well only with rare hitches. It's so smooth, I wonder why I hated it at all, lolz. But honestly, the magic and mystique of the coaster still remains even though I now know how it runs, lolz. It's brutal satisfaction, watching it run. Sigh. Orgasmic. Lolz.

Sitting on the floor typing with an aiskrim potong in red bean in my mouth while chatting with Wen and Kim is a very interesting experience. My mouth is frozen, my fingers are numb, and my neck aches from the weird angle. Yet, it's also enjoyable knowing that I'm chatting with two of my favourite people, and enjoying a traditional desert while my gluteus maximus is being wasted away by my enourmous mass. Yeah. Even though I'm basically two thirds my previous mass, it's still quite heavy to be a 90+ kilo guy. Hehe. I guess that comes with the height. Now if only I'd look good in surfgear, that would be perfection.

Hehe, tomorrow there's a Physics test and a Data test. Then on Wednesday and Thursday there is the Ontario Secondary School Literacy Test. Stupid OSSLT. It's gonna be a real rape-fest this week. But somehow, I couldn't really be bothered. I'm already quite high up on the Physics and Data ladders, I can only fall so far with a 5% test each. OSSLT is an exam to be passed, which I heard is quite easy if you follow the instructions. So, no worries. If I fail, some people would say it's high time I did. And if I succeed, surprise surprise, as expected. This really makes me sound like an arrogant asshole, don't it? Well guess what? I am! Mwahahahahahahaha!

Back to seriousness, an interesting thought (finally!). When you try to reassure/comfort/console people, do you often resort to lying, or telling half truths, like: it's not true, you know that it's not your fault, it's fate, sometimes bad things happen to good people, etc. Not that I'm saying I don't believe my gal, it's just a thought that so many times we comfort people who are going through rough times, do we try to make them feel better by telling untruth? I, for the record, do not. If it's true it's their fault, I won't say it isn't. But I'm not without tact or wit, I just don't mention whose fault it is. Make them concentrate on positive things, or rather, what they should do next. That's helping. Telling them junk to make them feel better only works short term. When they find out that you were lying, they'll only feel worse. So if it's not true, I suggest you don't mention it at all. Unless that person needs a good waking up. Then you say it, the method depends on the situation. Lolz.

The upstairs hall is so warm. I can't wait until they renovate this place. Like, completely. But they might buy a new house in Bandar Botanic. Crap. So far away. From everyone and everything. If they do, they so are going to have to get me a car. But the travel time to my sweetheart is gonna be a killer. Sigh. Then there's also the issue of me going across the seas to do some reading. Weirdness. Going so far to read some books, write on some paper and hear some people talk. Sounds really stupid when you phrase it that way. But that's me: Master of Rephrasing to Make Things Sound Stupid, Dumb, or Irrelevant. That should be a degree in itself, lolz.

I love my darling. Still, I think I should put more into my efforts. That's why I find myself quite lame. I'm just not putting what I feel I should into this relationship. Still, it seems to work on this rather low powered input. Maybe it's one of those high efficiency machines they're making these days? Lolz. Randomness.

Meh

The question
The answer
The vagueness
The confusion
The understanding
The completeness
The word meh

In frustration
In apathy
In non-understanding
In agreement
In disapproval
In dismissal
In affection
In anything
In the word meh

Love my darling. Jin out.

feeling a bit pissed...

I should really be happy right now, cuz I finally got the coaster to completion. But I'm not. That damned contraption is very susceptible to random errors, plus it's not very aesthetic. And it's also 1.13 in the morning and I'm up typing when I have a Physics quiz tomorrow, and my Physics is quite fucked up already. As it is, I'm not doing too well in any other field, and the finals are coming up. If this keeps up, I have no hope of staying in the top 10 of ICPU. And I'm not even trying anymore. Maybe my 'gift' only worked before I turned adult? Sigh. Then I would rather be dead.

I've not been a good boyfriend lately. I haven't been there for my darling, my messages are replied late, I say nothing meaningful, I sound desperate, and last but not least, I'm quite lame!!!! Sigh. I asked what she saw in me. She said, I was me. That's a relief. In a way, it actually is, knowing that there's someone who loves me exactly the way I am. On the other hand, it means I'm not much to look at, or think about. Sigh. I'm so fucked up, I really want to break down and cry. Except for some reason I don't seem to be able to do that. And I'm too tired for physical violence. I wish someone would come rape my brains out right this instant.

My fingers are really numb. So much writing, and molding and twisting this week. And I've been quite the bitch with a few people, I feel. Ah well. I'm too tired to either do this or that, even this post is not making any sense at all. I could probably typed out a long list of random letters and it would probably make as much sense. I feel like dying. My computer downstairs has been sodomised by some fucking virus I accidentally downloaded. Hope they come up with the patch for it soon. It's blocking all my Java scripts for some reason. And I can't acess any email accounts. So, I'm doing this all upstairs. Fuck my stupidity.

Today, well technically, yesterday, was Dad's birthday. Went to a seafood restaurant to eat. That's it. Well, he also basically built my roller coaster for me, lolz. Can't complain. I think my lack of sleep and my fucked up-ness is getting to me. And the lack of poetry posting is adding to the boredom factor of this page. And recent complaints indicate that a few people object the profanity on this page. Oh, fuck it, lolz. I really couldn't take the effort to speak nice and well structured insults and cuss-words in this condition, let alone in real life. Oh well.

As for the signout name, I don't care if it suits me. Who am I, anyway? Not who I used to be. That's for sure. I think everyone who knows sufficiency about me will concurr.

I love my baby, Wen. Jin out.

progress report...

And today's progress report: generally good, wonderful all throughout, feeling slightly bad for my lack of dedication, and quite pleased with my work so far. Woke up fine, went down to do the coaster, Wendy came over, stayed till 7, got about 50% of the track laid out working, and feeling bad that I wasn't able to be with my darling when she was feeling down.

I don't really have much to say today. I bound my loose music sheets, then went out to do the coaster. It works well, now just have to make sure it's consistent. Crap, feeling quite useless. For some reason. It's probably the inability to do anything, in all fields, at least for the moment. I need a shower, I'm sticky and I'm higly uncomfortable but I'm too lazy to do anything about it. And I found a new wound on my hand. Damn those wire meshes, they can really pierce skin. Oh well, it's fine. Not bleeding to death anyways, not yet at least. Hmm.

The mood is rather mehness. No condition to philosophize on anything. No wonder my blog is dying out. It's not interesting anymore. No poetry, no crap shit. Aish. Maybe another 2 week hiatus? Mehness.

Jin out.

ehehe...

Shoulda posted last night, but due to a promise and counter promise, didn't do that. Oh well, better late than never. Would be easier without this splitting headache anyway.

Yesterday I woke at 6, supposed to wash the cars, but fell asleep again. So lazy, lolz. Anyways, finally did get up at around 8, got out of the house and washed both the cars. Isaac came over to do the rollercoaster thingy. We did lotsa stuff. Took the Merc out for something to drink, came back, resumed. Wendy came over, he was late. Yeap, he. He's from Indonesia, so I think that explains the name. Anyways, Isaac had to go for lunch or something, oh well. Then Dad came out with this brillian reworking of the track. Using square wire! Woohoo! No more spacing issues! Now just the layout of the track and we're done! Ehehehe. Got changed around 3.30, dropped Wendy off at SS15, went to Megamall to see Wen.

Hehe, won't say what we did, but I feel quite stupid. For some reason, I think I may have overstepped my bounds, andI'm not only quite embarassed, but I almost feel like smacking myself over the head with a cleaver. Stupid boy. I'm telling you, it's absolutely a fact that I become overconfident easily. I think I may have upset her, and I don't know if it's just me, but I do tend to go overboard, and stuff like that. Argh!!!! *slamming head on table repeatedly*

Sending her home was an experience in itself. Darling, your directions are extremely confusing, and on the way out, I discovered and easier and more straightforward route to and from your place. Next time, I try that. If only I was better at night navigation. You're right about your dad. He's a bit not-as-tall-as-you. And I do see the family resemblance in Min.

Got back at around 11-ish. Shoulda done my homework, but I'm too lazy, lolz. Fell asleep while waiting to use the bathroom, lolz. I was that tired. Anyways, I suddenly awoke at around 2, realised I hadn't showered, went down for a drink, then took a cold cascade. Then removed the dehydrated contacts from my eyes, and fell tried to sleep. Fuck the splitting headache. Come to think about it, it hasn't gone since last night. Ergh...

This morning Physics was meh-ish at best. Then Data was like stupidity cuz me, the top student for Data in ICPU, forgot to do a simple assigment. Lucky thing this was a study class. So while the rest were busy talking, I did my assigment. English was okay, I suppose, did our Renaissance medicine presentation. PokX seem much better, he actually did quite well during the presentation, and was sniggering to himself all throughout the lesson later. He's starting to worry and annoy me. Oh well. At least he hasn' tried to kill himself yet. That would be very messy.

Oh fuck this headache. I shouldn't be staring at a computer screen while sitting in a Calculus class. And later there's an additional Physics class and then I have a meeting to chair. Fuck, I don't know if I'll survive through this headache. Fuck fuck fuck! Sigh.

Love my darling, but I feel so stupid. Is it always like this? Can't seem to say or do anything right anymore. Especially around her. Damn, I had to retype the last line like 7 times. I'm so blur and screwed up. Sigh. This is no a good condition to be in. I don't know if I'll remain concious for long. Better leave the poetry for later.

I love Wen! Jin out.

is the future for me to worry...

I am really afraid. I was thinking of what would happen at the end of the year, and honestly I don't want to go there. Everything seems so final. Sigh. Life, ends like I know it, and I only know my life. So if it ends, does it mean I know nothing?

I feel so foolish. I can't speak to my sweetheart over the phone. Everytime she calls, my heart just stops, my lips dry up, and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth. I never know what to say to ANYONE over the phone, but when she calls, it's like a panic attack, lolz. I'm always so afraid I'd blurt out something hurtful or stupid or something. So I usually say very normal things. Sigh, if it wasn't for my inherent weakness, I'd call her a lot more often. So stupid, so stupid. Smacking my head across with a spiked mallet doesn't half tell of the stupidity I feel. But I always feel so comfortable with her, in person. She's so approachable. But still very shy, ehehe. Not to say that I'm not a bit. Common male problem, never know what to do with my hands. Ergh. And my arms are really really long. Sigh. So many defects, don't know what she sees in me, lolz. Oh well, she loves me and I love her and that's all that matters, I suppose, lolz. *kis

Why oh why oh why must the Science department of ICPU decide to do a roller coaster this year. I blame you, Mr. Joy Maryaraj Augustine! Head of Science for ICPU, and you couldn't give us a culminating project that does not sodomise us completely? Shame on you. And it's so time consuming, too. Aih, fuck it. I'm just gonna make a track that runs well. That's all. I really seem to be flunking all my tests anyways, might as well be consistent.

English presentation is not going well. No reahearsal yet, because we don't have the time. Oh, fuck it all, I will wing it, even though Miss K says there's no way we can do that. I suck at rehearsing, and the only time when my presentations are interesting is when I do it offhand. And if that ain't good enough, then I suppose neither am I. I've sorta given up on being the top student anyways, it's giving me the bloated-head-which-causes-everything-to-be-fucked-real-bad syndrome. So much so that I really have to mentally check my attitude all the time. Which is also a concern when I'm around her.

The thing about me is that I get real cocky after I get something right. And then it always comes back to fuck my rear, lolz. Honestly. I do perfectly well, as long as I feel I'm still noobish and don't know much. That's when I listen and actually don't do brash and arrogant stuff. But when I get it right, hoo boy. Go ask anyone who knows me. Go ahead.

Moonlight Kiss

quiet glow
reflecting off your beautiful eyes
i see you smile
and my heart skips a beat
the utter peace
such serene wonder
i hold your hands close to my heart
to let you know who it beats for
as your silken locks gleam in the dark
your whisper echoes off the trees
bouncing likewise in my mind
but it's nothing like the bliss
when we share that moonlight kiss

Ehehe. A thought, or reality? I love you, Wen. Jin out.

thankyou, darling...

Okay, okay, this is not gonna be long, but my sweetheart deserves mention, and more. That absolute honey of a girl went well out of her way to find me that ballbearing I was looking for. *kis Darling, I'm on my knees right now. Thankyou thankyou thankyou! Ehehehe. Sorry if I wasn't too articulate over the phone, my lips become numb whenever I hear your voice. I actually dropped the phone when I got the call, I get so nervous everytime you call. Sigh, so sweet of you to do that. I owe you even more now, you know?

That was the ecstatic part. Now the fucked up part is that I have no excuse to delay completion of the roller coaster anymore. It's really urgent I complete it by tomorrow. So, we have to completely scrap the original material chosen for the track, and we're moving from steel wire to rubber tubing. Rubber is easier to work with, but not as good, and definitely not as cool. Still, with lack of time, we really have to hand in something rather than nothing. And to make sure it works. Oh fuck.

I love you darling. Thankyou thankyou thankyou. Do note, I loved you loads even before you did this, lolz. *kis See you online later, okay?

Jin out.