wishlist...

I was thinking that I should start keeping a wishlist. Truth be told, I have plenty of wishes, but unfortunately nothing that most people can afford me. I think it would first be a good idea to show you my old wishlist (which I also did not write), to compare with my new one, which I am about to write. This will give you the perception of how different I am from my former self.

Old List

~Total and absolute world domination, but must remain annonymous.

How empty, and yet how impossible to fulfill. If you don't believe this, ask any of my old friends. I was such an arrogant ass that I really thought it was possible. The list then was edited to incorporate the more possible stuff, circa 2004.

~Must have made first million by 30.
~Have a 7 story house, 4 stories of which are underground.
~Must control the global supply of something infinitely valuable, like air.

See? What a retarded turd, intelligent, but with a definitely warped sense of reality. The new list shows a more hedonistic, but at the same time holistic and achievable list. This only was made possible by the new mentality and personality and fucked up person of after December 2004.

New List

~a spanking new and powerful mp3 player
~my own spanking new and powerful laptop
~another spanking new and powerful camera
~a totally madeover room (with stuff of my choice)
~a car, not too expensive, but not one of those cheeseass Japanese junks
~nice clothes
~hot and studly bod
~a girlfriend
~lots and lots of expensive coffee
~world peace, right.

So self centered, like duh, all wishlists almost are. But a whole lot more achievable. A few I already have, or on the verge of achieving. Like the first and second. The camera is coming soon. The new room is highly unlikely, although it is possible that the room itself will be new, in a new country that is. The car is nowhere near achievement. New clothes I'm working at, I already have a few, as with the studly bod (!?!?!?!?!), lolz. That's gonna take serious renovation, lolz. A girlfriend. Hmm. That one I think I'll never find, I'll probably die a lonely person. Lolz. Coffee is possible, but will take time. World peace, meh. I couldn't really care less. It's not possible, as long as people take everything so personally. So, I think I'll scratch that one off my list. Lolz.

Wishlists

Wishing,
And wishing,
It's nothing if you're not doing,
Why have one,
If you can't get none,
Might as well wish for the sun.

tremor what?

Apparently, there were tremors last night at around 1. According to reports, they came from the Sumatra side, traveled across the Straights, wound up in Penang and Selangor. It hit a few areas around here like Bangsar, some parts of KL, and also, strangely, Subang. I was up, chatting with two people, when it hit. Supposedly. I felt nothing. At all. Zilch, nada, nyet. Apparently, some of my friends were thrown out of bed, those that were staying in apartments. And I knew nothing, until the next morning. Very confused, even at that.

It get's one wondering. Imagine, how many tremors there are in our lives, and how imperceptive we are off them. I would probably not have noticed if my house crashed down around me, as long as the computer remained on and fucntioning. Meh. Do we even know about the tremors after the fact? The thing about our own tremors and the real life equilavents is that very few people are interested in informing you of your own, while there are hundreds of news agencies reporting earthquakes. Sadly, both are potentially devastating. Think about it.

Today's a crap day. Like I predicted, my serotonin overdrive yesterday left my brain with a depleted supply, and I was feeling all depressed. And to top it up, I had this mildish fever the whole day. Vague enough not to stop me from going to college, bad enough to destroy my day. Meh. Ever had one of those not-so-good days after a perfect day? One's sitting right on my face.

I have no more inspiration. But I was thinking, how powerful an effect my writing has on some people. Then again, it could be that they were just faking it, to boost my shitted self esteem. Really nice, people, but I don't need all that. Fakeness might fuel for awhile, but it's worth nothing because it don't keep the engine running. Worst of all, it clogs up the transmission and screws the combustion chambers. So people, if you really mean it, take the effort to tell me properly. Then I know you're for real. Otherwise, it's all talk and no do.

Sigh, I think I offend too many people. Seriously, the only people not offended by me are the people who understand me so thoroughly that it's painful. My parents are always offended by me, and no surprise. Some of my closer friends are offended by me, all the time, altough they don't show it. Chances are, you'll probably be offended by this, too. And it's sad really. I know what's up, but I can't do anything much about it. Why am I saying all this? Because, I don't expect any single one of you to change at all. Not a bit. At least, I don't expect you to force yourselves to change. Know this, that I know my defects, I know painfully enough. I know how painful your might be to you. I don't expect you to change, I'll happily accept you as much as I can, annoyed though you might make me. Like a saying I'm about to make up: if you're gonna buy a fruitcake, don't go picking out all the raisins.

Lost in Translation

I told you
There never was a reason
To worry
About my current desperation
But somehow
The message never got through
Or was it
Just lost in translation

hedonistic delights...

Have you ever noticed, how much we say we don't need this and that, how we can live without it, but once we have it, we wonder how we ever survived without it. My mom's a bit like that. When we first got our computer, she kept saying that it was unnecessary piece of junk that she would throw out should we even consider squabbling over it. But now, once she discovered that it could actually stream live stock market data, it's as valuable as hell. And all along, she was getting on fine with newspaper reports. Amazing.

I must report a plethora of delights that are long overdue for me. First of, an early birthday present cum SPM reward cum scholarhship share of money. I was given a grand total of 6350 to spend. 4000 for birthday, 1350 from SPM, 1000 from scholarship. And with 950, I got myself a Zen Micro. Woohoo, an advanced mp3 player that's waaaaayyy better than an i-Pod mini. Anyday. These Singaporeans may be kiasu, but to a very nice effect. As of now, I have another 5400 to spend. I think I'll blow 4000 on my Nikon D70 with a flash, and maybe another 400 on memory cards. The 1k is left open for a variety of purposes.

Damn. Pok just gave me an amazing piece of news. I'm in the top 10 of the ICPU program. And the only male apparently. Woohoo. Maybe I can go home and claim money. Lolz. Greedy greedy. Just hope I can keep it up. Today's Physics test results were pretty nice. 37/38. One stupid mistake, otherwise I could have gotten a smiley face. Lolz.

Ahh, life's looking up. No reason to die for now. Must live long enough to justify the Zen. And also to show someone what I have. Dance class is tonight. Hope the day keeps to that up level as much as it is now. Otherwise, I really can't complain. All I need right now is a girlfriend, then I can die happy. Lolz. No, I still have to live to satisfy my reason for existence, whatever that means. Mayhaps I should just learn to make pasta. And feed the poor for a year with expensive marinara sauce, lolz. Do I seem to be getting a bit random now?

Poetry is for the Sad

There's no reason to cry
As if you're gonna die
Cuz everyone's gonna ask why
And then you can only lie

Cuz you're happy as ever
To be sad again you hope never
Joking around you sound clever
Morbid thoughts from your mind sever

You live like it's all to be had
Like your happiness is a passing fad
But be thankful you've ever been glad
Poetry is for the sad

wahey!

Today was a rather unusual day.

I woke up, and straight away spent the next 2 hours chopping onions. After that, I spent 15 minutes grinding black pepper. Wierdness. Oh well, when you want to make black pepper sauce, you have to do stupid things like that. Now I smell like those sour cream and onion Pringles. Well, I guess that makes me yummy, lolz.

Today I met someone new. Well, technically not new, but never seen her before, so yeah, I guess new. Ee Wen, friend of Pok's, now also friend of Jin's. Very interesting. And tall. Woohoo, now I know another girl almost as tall as me. And very interesting person, too. We went to watch a movie, then went to get my sharktooth pendant (for the second time), walked around aimlessly, had a Baskin' Robbins each, and then found a present for Evans. We walked around aimlessly, talking about random stuff, nothing really indepth, I think. Had to go back by KTM, kinda fun, except for the wierd smells in the train. Haven't Malaysians heard of deoderant? Man. Terrible. Anyways, it was a fun day, but rather fattening.

I was thinking, why is there always a dip in my social connections with my regular friends everytime I meet a person I know online in person? Really. It seems to be statistically viable. When I went to meet Darien in person, it seemed that all my regular friends had disappeared. To be fair, it was during Chinese New Year, so I really can't blame them. But now that I've met Ee Wen, I noticed that all my friends have also seemed to disappear, although I see them a lot more often in person. Coincidentally, of course. Am I confusing? I think I will stop this topic now. I'm starting to confuse myself.

I think I really get pissed when reading blogs where the authors can't bother enough to type in a legible manner. And use the correct punctuation. That is soooo annoying. And use proper spelling, for the sake of God Most Almighty! Or if you're pagan, whatever is it you worship, like blatant and hedonistic consumerism, or something. Typos occasionally are okay, but if you have to fucking make a fucked up mistake every two fucking words you fucking type, then don't fucking bother. And don't swear, lolz.

Ergh. Poetry time. Sometimes, I swear, it's not even worth the effort. But apparently, it's the only reason some people come to this blog. Mehness.

Hating What I Do Best, Sometimes

I hate this
I really do
I really hate it
But do I have a choice?

The public loves it
The public adores it
It's their only craving
And it's for that they're saving

I hate it
But it's what I do best
And it's who I am
But I hate it nonetheless, sometimes.

mwahahaha, bored...

It seems that my short bout of ungratefulness has generated a 'flurry' of response. Well, about being ungrateful, I know I am most of the time. But hell, I get to write about it here if I want, lolz. That's the power of the blog. Mwahahahahaha!

Missing a dear friend a lot. Well, yeah, I always miss her, but the thing is now that she has no access to the online-ness of things, it's even quieter here. And as it is, very few people talk to me online. Very. Few. People. Oh well. Suppose it's better than nothing.

Today I had 4 tests. In one day. Four freaking tests. In four freaking subjects. Fuck. Lolz. I suppose I should be thankful (again), that it wasn't 5. Well, it was going to be 5, but we had the Calculus quiz yesterday, so thankfully it was only 4. Not that it would have made a difference, mind you. I never 'study' for tests, quizes, exams, and the like. Never ever had. Don't see why you people need to anyways. You should already know everything on the test by the time you get it. Isn't that the point? Mehness. Anyways, my only real gripe about it was that I had to skip lunch to take the Physics test. Again, not like it would have made a difference. I was going to not eat anything anyways. Don't seem to have an appetite anymore.

I discovered that all the teachers in the ICPU have become very, uh, firm with the students lately. Reports from other classes confirm this. It's like the staff meeting they had last week sorta hatched a little conspiracy within the staff. While they're yelling at us for being late, noisy, sleepy, etc., they're probably secretly laughing with glee that their sadistic little plan worked.

The LAN project this time round was a bit more interesting. My group wrote on Sex Outside Marriage, Abnormal Sexual Behaviour, and Homosexuality. It was really really long, considering we only had about 6 pages of material initially. Lolz. Nothing a little bit of random and opiniated rhetoric can't fix. We handed in about 22 pages of work. I was thinking of posting it here, but I'm lazy. If you want to read it, MSN me.

Poor Keith, I don't even know his surname. I think everyone's being rather mean to him, even though he's not exactly the most pleasant person himself. But today was his birthday, and I think everyone knew. Yet, I don't think anyone wished him a birthday of any kind at all. His face was black as the freshly tarred road outside Taylor's. Poor guy. I think it was kinda deliberate. But to blacklist someone on their birthday, I think is beyond low. Personally, I didn't say anything, not because I didn't want to, but rather I was in no mood myself.

Mehness. I hate being at home. It's always so tense. I won't say why, because once I start agreeing with myself, it's gonna be hell. Honestly, I only want all my own stuff is so that I can move out of the house real easy. I'll already have a laptop, a car, my clothes, a camera, and stuff. Enough to start a new life elsewhere. Not that I'm looking forward to living anymore. Lolz.

Wait, I do recall saying nothing personal on this blog. Hmm, anyways, not that nobody knows anyways. I will sit here and sob my pathetic life away for awhile. No poem; no mood, no inspiration...

not so thankful after all...

Damn you Pok, a simple little comment like that from you ruined my mood for the rest of my week. Lolz. Not your fault really, most likely it's just me. Still, it's that stupid little comment that got me into this melancholy. Hmm, wonder how you gonna get me out of it, lolz. Oh well.

I don't think I'm really thankful. If I was, then I would finally be able to come to terms with myself. But then again, no one is really thankful either. Like for instance, I really should be thankful that I have such excellent results in SPM, but I'm not really. I want that fucked up Moral to be an A. But I guess I should let it go. Likewise, I should be satisfied that I'm at the top of all my classes, but then again, I'm not. I act very smug about my results in front of the others, cuz I know that if I show how unsatisfied I am, it will piss them off. Kinda like what Veevs and Jane did to us, lolz. So I just smile and give this rather stupid grin on my stupid looking face. Anyone ever had this?

Just a secret thought that I thought I would like to share, though I know that's it's really improbable. I wanna know if anyone's ever had a crush on me, lolz. It's kinda egotistical, but it will help boost the mood this week, lolz. It would really be interesting to find out, though I would probably be rather depressed to get the answer I know I will, lolz. Meh.

For those that have my MSN contact, you will probably notice that I have been putting very depressing nicknames lately. Well, it's a twofold thing. First off, it's a place to conveniently post short snippets of poetry and see the effects it has on people. Next, it's reflective of my mood, albeit only very slightly. And a third hidden reason is to see if people actually answer questions posted in nicknames, or if it's only me who does it. Lolz.

Lost Child

Little boy
Sitting on the pavement
As the folk walk past with blinding speed
Giving him nary a glance

Little boy
Starting to cry
But still no one sees him on the tarmac
All too busy with themselves

Little boy
Starting to smile
With the kind lady glowing at him gently
Offering her helping hand

I am that lost boy
I am that lonely boy
I am that crying boy
I am that smiling boy
I am that lost child

appreciate what you have

I don't think I appreciate these people well enough as they deserve. I know I know, this is personal, and it's not as if I haven't done this before, but it's more a continuation of my thoughts, and I thought it would be entertaining to write about people I appreciate rather than people I strongly dislike. Okay, here goes.

Paul Leow Pok Xian is a person I must say I do respect, and I do not use that word freely. It takes a whole lot to gain my respect, and many who think they deserve my respect do not have it. Pok does. If you notice, my blog has generous sprinkling of mentions of his name, and references to him. This is due, in great part, to the fact that I spend a lot of time either in his presence or with him, as there is really no one else with as many of the same classes as I do. Herein lies one of the reasons I salute him so. Few people are willing to spend so much time near me, even people I call friends whom I have known for a long time, and he puts up with a lot from me. Hell, even I would give up on me. He on the other hand, endures many hours of rambling, random bossy-ness, and stupid random topics like masturbation and conspiracy theories. He also is willing to eat lunch with me, even when he has better and closer friends to do that with now. My thanks and hats off to you, Pok. It's amazing, because no matter how he does for his subjects, he trudges along with this sort of determination that kinda inspires you. And I suppose that I truly respect his ability to keep himself to himself. He has this skill that I wish I had; not speaking all the fucked up things about your life to other people. Pok, if I were a girl, I'd marry you, lolz. Well, maybe not marry you, but probably fall for you, or give you a smooch or something. But since I'm not, I won't, lolz.

I admire Evans really, he's sorta a really amazing guy. He has this really seriously wierd series of problems, in a way, but they're also not all that wierd. He's from a Chinese school background, so his English is not all that well cut out. Yet, he's honest enough to admit that, and willingly picks up new words from people around him. Yes, even if it would make him look stupid. He will more than willingly pick up friends, were they to ask him nicely for transport, even though I know he's really a bit annoyed, he'll do it regardless. Amazing. And he's no academic, though his maths skills are very good. Still, he keeps at it. He's a persistant guy when it comes to relationships, too. He'll make sacrifices for the girl he wants, however unreasonable it may actually be. He once stayed up the whole night to entertain this girl's friends from across the state, just so she could get some sleep. And he didn't go to bed, but took them instead to basketball so that they would get the most out of their time, and so that she could stay sleeping. And ladies, this guy can bake. Actually, make food, to be more accurate. This guy makes a mean cheesecake.

I'd write more, but I'm tired. So tired that I think I will stop right here and not do the poem. Right here. Meh.