sigh, randomness

I think I may seriously need to rewire myself. This is sooooooo fucked up. I can't believe I got a 5/10 for yesterday's Physics quiz!!!!!! That's twice in a row that I basically sodomised myself (hmm, interesting visual there). Anyways, that's not the point. The point is that I'm screwing my chance of being top Physics student in this place, which I really want, for bragging rights, lolz. Maybe I'm just trying too hard, and as history tells me, if I don't give a fuck, then I usually end up fine. But since I care so much about it now, it kills me. Ergh. Thank God Wen hasn't begun to screw me yet (the bad kind of screwing, you pervs...).

Today was the second day in a row that Ms K didn't come. It was like Godsend. Amazing. Apparently she's stuck in Kuching or something. Ergh. Well, at least we're getting some work done. And I soooo need to start with work soon. But instead I stayed up till 2 with Wen doing my blogskin. Sigh. Sorry, darling. Shouldn't have kept you up so long, but I didn't realise the time. It was so absolutely fascinating. Hehe. At least your family knows about me. Ehehe. But your mom's reaction was a bit, err, extreme?

My parents on the other hand, oh hell. None whatsoever. Mom barely batted an eyelid when Dad mentioned Wen, name and all. Sometimes I wonder if she was listening. The funny thing was that Dad knew at all. And the name. Normally, he don't even know what I'm doing in college. Now he knows about my girlfriend? Wow. I really wonder what they know about me in that case, lolz.

I was thinking. Wen would look really nice with her hair down. But she seems to like it tied in a ponytail. Hmm. Try lar, letting it down. Want to see what my darling looks like. *kis

Sunday Morning is really a song I overplay. But it's just sooo addictive. Lolz. Same goes with Utada Hikaru songs. Some sort of wierd compulsion. Subliminal messaging, perhaps? Then again, don't we all have wierd compulsions? Like the curry vegetables from the place behind the market. And the springrolls. And that fried chicken. Cheap place to eat, but requires inner random compulsion to make us walk that distance to eat there.

Fuck, getting concerned about PokX. He's like really cracked up, but won't admit it. I think he's having some *ahem issues, but as everyone knows, no one knows nuts about him. I was thinking I could find out by trying, but I forgot I do things best when I don't try. So, right now, I'm gonna try not to try to find out anything. It's not that I'm nosy or anything, it's that I'm getting very concerned about his moodiness and everything, and I really want to help. Also, it's getting quite annoying eating with someone that dark. Kinda like eating with myself, come to think about it. Ergh.

No poems. None at all. Nada. Nyet. Too lazy to write, and not depressed enough, lolz. And being too in-love also does not bode well for my writing skills. Plus, I have a fucking 9% test for Calculus tomorrow. Hmm, my ass hurts from all that shoving, maybe I could skip it? Nope, 10 foot pikes have a long reach when they need to. Hergh. Better go get the lube, lolz.

Jin out.

P.S. that post just smacked of deja vu, I don't know why. Mehness.

zest for life...

First day after 9 days off, sooooooo not good for an ICPU student. First thing I got back this morning was a Physics quiz paper: a fucked up 6.5/10. Oh, fuck all the insane fucked up fuckers who fucked my fucking fucked up brain of a fucking moronic fucker! Oh fuck. The last time I got that was my first quiz. Is this a sign that I'm regressing? If this is so, let it happen quickly, back to the embryonic stage, then finally split into sperm and ovum, all while standing here.And let those two half cells revert back into their core component chemicals. That, and only that, is complete non-existence. To reverse into nothingness. But the real issue here is not what I want or need. It's what SHE wants and needs. If she needs me, here I'll stay. If she wants me, here I'll be. Anything for you, sweetheart.

All zest for life seemed to disappear from 8.00 - 9.15 this morning. Then Physics ended and I felt very light again. Data was rather random, for some reason. I felt quite, erh, what you people would call happy, but I suppose it was more like contentment, or comfort. Then came news that there was no English, joy! Spent the third period in the Web, with PokX, and the rest of the English class, doing random research. That hour was such a waste of my time, really. Sigh. ICPU may have been the course for me, but somehow I'm not really liking this fucking situation. Anyways, lunch was meh, what with PokX in that funny mood again. Went back to Calculus class not to do anything. Ergh. I hate it when I blog about my day. Fuck it.

It's strange. My life is always being fucked, and I'm still virgin, lolz. It's randomness, yes, but I suppose that it's my lot in life. And I'm never one to settle for mediocre. I'll get what I want, alright, or I'll die trying. If it's something my baby wants, I'll die trying for her, too. Except if it's a stupid request, lolz. In that case, I'm only willing to be severely injured, that's all. Sigh, I miss her dearly, and the cards are finally coming together. Maybe it's time to show our hand?

I kinda like my new hair. It's a bit wierd, considering it's me. Yeah, Eu Jin dying his hair such a lala color, lolz. Absolutely wierd, eh? Well, it's Jin now, and no, it's only lala for a short while. When it grows in a bit, it will have that two tone I want. But telling from Vic's reaction during dance class, he was like, oh crap, Eu Jin doing this, and now he's swearing, too, what has the world come to, oh crap, lolz, that was just hilarious. And he just couldn't stop staring, lolz. Poor kid, lolz, he's so bored he's taken to playing World of Warcraft. So sad. I'd join him, except I have other comittments now. Lolz. Still can't stop grinning, it's so funny.

Yeesh, the beer gut's coming back. And I don't even like beer. Oh fuck. Need to really hit the gym. Honestly. And I noticed I'm becoming really weak, it's surprising I can even hold my own weight. I can barely bend that spring bar in my room anymore, I'm getting so scared it's not funny anymore. Sigh. Okay, I think starting tomorrow I'm going to go to the Taylor's gym. Heard it's mediocre, but hell, I'm gonna get my money's worth.

Other Kid

Other boys
Have their toys
And their groups
And their games
While I sit alone
On my own

Other boys
Go around
And do their stuff
Having fun
While I sit alone
On my own

Sometimes I wonder
If I'm strange
Maybe it's just that
I'm not the same
Or perhaps it's me
Who's the other kid

Loving you, sweetheart. Jin out.

can't sleep

I've been up since 2.45 this morning. Insanity. Actually, it's okay considering I went to bed at around 10-ish. No idea why. But I seem to work best at the dead of night. Now, if only some of the work would make sense.

Sigh, I'm falling into that part where I'm starting to think too hard. Thinking about everything. Like, growing up and moving out. I suppose there comes a time in your life when you HAVE to move out. It's basically the life cycle. You grow up, find a job, get a mate, start a family, raise the family, retire, then die. Right now, I'm just not ready for that. There used to be a time when I couldn't wait to grow up and start working and so on. But right now, peering over the edge, the absolutely brutal reality of adulthood scares me. Ever since the initial euphoria has died down, and also the initial self reassurance that I will do things MY way, I can't seem to reconcile the fact that I'm no longer a teen. Not that I've ever actually been one.

Never truly had a life, sad to say. All that things you people have seen so far is just the fascade. Inside, I never really lived the life of an adolescent. Of course, that is considering a comparison with everyone else, and as far as I know it, I've never been like everyone else. In fact, I was some sort of an outcast, or in this case, an incast. I had no real group of my own, I could fit in almost everywhere, but there was always one uniting factor that distinguished me from whichever group I was currently in. Be it fashion, or games, or sports, or anything, it didn't take much to ostracize me from any group. Even the ones I was proficient in, like music, it was easy to see that I just didn't belong. Harsh truth, Kim: when you and Jane pair up at the piano, I just don't fit in anymore. Same thing to Vic, Ry, Zhao, etc. I fit in fine until they talk sports. Then I'm lost. Hell, even when they talk games I'm lost. And it doesn't get any easier when they pull me into 5D gatherings. I don't belong anywhere at all. And in college, I'm some sort of stand alone. I can talk to anyone, yes, but I can hardly say that the interests I share with any particular person even remotely allows me to be associated with such. In fact, it's kinda sad that the only reason I fit anywhere at all is because I know just a little bit of everything as to be able to make conversation, but never enough to stay for long.

Sigh, I'm not ranting, nor am I advising, nor anything with any emotional value other than melancholy. The only one I can turn to right now is my sweetheart, and I really honestly shouldn't be burdening her with this nonsense. She has a life to lead, and I shouldn't pile on anymore emotional luggage. Hell, I shouldn't even be writing this here. I'm sorry, baby. It's just that it's really late and I'm probably cranky, or slightly moody. And I know I should be doing my work, but I just can't concentrate with so many things on my mind. I love you.

Sigh. Really, really, really thinking too hard. Maybe I need more sugar. But that would only work for a little while, while the blood sugar's really high. Then when the crash comes, I will be even more depressed. Why the fuck should I be depressed at all? I really should be at an all-time high right now. I have someone who loves me for who I am, and I love her. I have resonable financial stashes, and most of my material needs met. I have functioning brains, installed with adequate software, and the functional machinery to carry out the processes.

Could it be that I'm finally turning normal? Having the urge to be like everyone else, or at least fit in with everyone else. Or perhaps, I finally found a group to call my own. People with like thinking flock towards me, and I to them. We are different, in that we don't think like everyone else, because we see the truth, and are oft more apt to suffer from it than others are, but we would rather know what is and perish than live a lie. Or would we? Sometimes, I think, for the sake of Wen, I should go to a normal life. It's not easy living with someone like me, and I know it, because I find it hard to live with myself. I know, I'd be really driveless and directionless without her, and it would be a very hard living without her. Likewise, I know that she needs me, and I want to be there for her, but not at a cost to make her suffer.

Maybe it's just that I'm still unused to the concept of relationship comittment. I really love her, but I'm so new to all of this, it sometimes just fries the circuitry. I feel the smoke rising from my head, my brain throbbing in my skull from the overload. And I wouldn't trade it away if it means giving up on what I have right now. Perhaps I'm just taking this sacrifice-myself-for-the-rest-of-the-world thing a little too seriously. Taking the hits just so others can continue at a comfortable level. My willpower will be the death of me one day, and it almost has on a few other occasions. Not that it's an entirely bad thing, but NOW I have someone to live for, and that makes all the difference in the world. I can't afford to go yet, ready as I am, because I have more unfinished business left. A lifetime to lead with that special someone, a lifetime of betterment to the world.

Don't get me wrong. I don't believe in the concept of owing anything to anyone. I don't think we owe our elders any respect because they're older. That's hogwash. We don't owe our leaders any respect just because they lead us. We don't owe anyone our lives for no apparent reason. We don't owe anyone anything by virtue of their status. Nope. We owe them only what they have given us. It's a simple concept really. If they do nothing, they deserve nothing. Take for example: the only reason I owe my parents anything is that they gave so much up for me. Likewise, I owe nothing to the leaders of this fucked up country because not only have they not given anything of value to me, they have TAKEN away from me. In this case, THEY owe ME. And don't get me started on respecting older people just because they've lived longer. Anyone can live long. Very few can live well. I respect many more kids a lot more than I respect older people. I think I've mentioned all this before, but it don't hurt repeating.

Sigh, the heart aches from distance. The soul breaks from not knowing. And my mind weeps knowing how false and doomed my world is. Only that one rose at the end of the tunnel of light can make me walk this footpath of broken glass. Lovesickness is something I'm familiar with (now), but it's not the same when you know she belongs to you, and you to her, and having already confirmed it with the world. It's not the same because you always want to be near her, to comfort her and to be comforted by her. I miss her in ways I do not understand. I miss her when she has to go to the ladies (lolz), I miss her when she has to talk on the phone, I miss her even as I dream of her while typing this. Sigh.

I don't even want to stop writing now. It's painful to do anything else. The perfect spelling and punctuation of this post is killing me even as it nourished the need to write. Perhaps I should be a writer. Or perhaps I should be a poet. Maybe I should write with a lens, or compose with film. Or mayhaps I should just perish, after having seen to her happiness, of course. Or perhaps I should just kill these thoughts right now, to end all worries from all parties. And stop this longer-than-necessary post. The clock now reads 5.20. I've taken too long to write this. It should have been done in 10 minutes. I took too long. Now my lights go out in my head. I have no more inspiration. I love you, Wen.

Jin out.

okay, another cute cute post...

I love my darling, she's the best! Lolz, today was an absolutely wonderful day, of walking around and talking randomness. Sigh. I think this is bliss. Slightly awkward for someone like me, with no knowhow or anything, but I feel real comfortable with her. Good sign? I hope so. Love you darling.

Okay, cute cute part over. And it's not like you people are supposed to know more than this, lolz. Now to business, a few issues. Like the lack of time spent on homework that requires days to do but somehow only eats up 5 hours max, of actual time. That's me. Crapness, so lazy to do work, I feel like I'm going mad. I have two major assignments due by Monday, and I'm still yet to honestly begin. I can't help being so lazy sometimes, but honestly we all know better than that. So I propose to actually do something. I need all of you to help pray for me. Really. Not joking.

Darien, go get yourself checked. Honestly. And do something about it too, not just find out. Of all times, this is not one where you should add worry to your internet friends that genuinely care about you, least of all on your girl, cuz after what she's given you, I think you should do that at least. Or, make it a point to do it anyways, cuz it sure is bugging the hell out of me, to know that you know about your health afflictions and are not doing much about it. Or is you are, good on you. You can come over and rape my brains out for crapping so much on something that don't concern me one shit, but you cannot very well blame me for worrying about your current state of being. Besides, I need you alive to entertain me.

Speaking of worry, many many many of you are starting to worry me. My sweetheart's right. The world is a dark mirror of our moods. We're both so happy, but the problem is that everyone else seems to have issues of an unpleasant kind. Very, very, very, very, disconcerting. Many of them are really quietly depressed or something, and try to hide it by expressing their happiness for us (thanks guys, but that's not the issue). Veevs, I most certainly did NOT say vale of somethingness, quote me accurately next time. And perhaps stop worrying about what others want rather than what YOU want? That could work. Kim, I'm worried about your over zealous happiness for me and her, is there something you want to say? Your overabundant happiness is making me think there's more to it than what you're telling. Okay, these are the specifics, everyone else is just worrying me due to the rather down mood you're all in. Oh, and PokX, what's up with you? Like honestly someone died. I hope that's not the case. Sorry if I DID rub it in, didn't mean to, but I'm really really happy, can you blame me? And you win the coffee. And you know who she is. So, thank you a thousand times, I'm indebted greatly to you, but this doesn't mean you get more than one coffee, lolz.

Sweetie, I love you so. Hoping to make it work, doing my best to see it happen. God be our guiding light. Can't really write more than that here, this is sooooo public domain, lolz. That's all, I guess. Poetry at 12.11 am is not really inspirational, I think.

Jin out.

P.S. When I said I was writing a finality, I meant I will have a signout, just so you would know I really have ended the post. Like see the above? That way, it's kinda obvious where I stopped writing. Thank you.

life is a nutshell. right, is, not in.

I think I will stop posting in this current method. Everyone's been making fun of me, lolz, not that I mind, but most of the comments coming in lately are very, well, ergh, you get the idea. And also, what happens behind closed doors should remain there, and there's where I'll be keeping them. If you want to know more, you have to work at it, and believe me, you're gonna have a hard time. So I suggest you don't. Mehness.

I so seriously need to buck up on my college work. At least I finally got the materials to do the coaster, and it's all almost set up completely. Now the tricky part is to fix it well, and place the tracks securely. And oh fuck, the timing we need to test. Aih, crapness. Guess it's more than time to find the time, lolz.

It's also time to take myself to a higher level than where I am right now. For her and for me. To many who know me, it may seem that I know a lot, which is true, on one level. But honestly, it's hardly enough to make sure it's what she deserves, and what I should be. Some say be satisfied with what you have, and some say always keep striving. I say, be satisfied that you can afford to strive at all. But never be satisfied with what you have, because satisfaction is not happiness, and never keep striving, because you'll never stop. Always want more, because we have to continue to the next level, even in relationships. Otherwise, we tend to give up. Likewise, don't always keep working, if not there's no point in getting what you want if you never use it. Likewise, I plan to make full use of myself for her, and to make sure she gets the best I can offer.

Another point to note, in a relationship, we should never think of what we can get out of it rather than what we can put into it. If the other person really cares for you, you'll get more than you need. If your other half doesn't, you won't. That's really not up to you. What is up to you, is what you can do. I suppose it's the same with life. If you are only interested in getting stuff, you'll probably only get the stuff out of the bottom of the barrel. Sure, you could be getting many good things, but it's not likely. People that put a lot in tend to have their hand in the barrel a lot more often, and so tend to pull out the top choice bits. Of course, they could be unlucky, but they will get their share enough.

Someone once said, well actually many people say this; good begets good, and evil begets evil. Wrong. Absolute hogwash. When since was that true? If that were so, good people would never suffer, and bad people would always suffer. Is that the case? No, because if it were, I would suffer a lot. I'm not exactly the best person around, in fact you could say I'm downright bad. I won't go into details, because you should know that when I say this, I mean it. Fullstop. But yet, I'm so blessed with a good family, good oppurtunities, good brains (actually, not so sure about this one, lolz), good friends, and most importantly, a great other half (love you, darling). How is that? I mean, should the tooth for a tooth rule apply, then I should be just dead, or at least tortured out of my mind right now. To all those old people shaking their fingers saying how all these bad things will befall us because of the music we listen to or the way we dress or the words that are coming out of our mouths and whatnot, I say this: meh. If that were true, you old foggies would be twitching in agony six feet under!

The world's not fair, and the truth is, everything happens because it was meant to happen. Everything is part of a divine plan. The situation is like this: everything that has happened is meant to be, but not everything that is meant to be will happen. This supplicates both ideas of fate and free will. Everything that is was a series of choice we had to make. If something was meant to happen, then we have a choice of making it happen. That is free will. However, if something did happen, it was meant to happen. That is fate. This situation, as you can well see, neither lays full blame on man, nor does it take it all away. We are partially fated to certain things, but we also have the choice to change that, if the way is provided for.

This illustrates the way my sweetheart and I found each other. We were meant to meet, through a mutual friend and the most unlikely circumstances, but since it was one of the meant to be options, it happened. However, nothing would have happened if a certain mistake (ahem, ahem), didn't occur. And still yet, nothing would continue if the choice of possible outcomes was bit chosen correctly. It's both fate, and the actions we play that determine where we go. I suppose one of the higher levels that we have to achieve is realising this.

No, that does not mean I have reached that level. Knowing and realising are two different things. The major, major, problem with people in general is that they use words too interchangeably. Like they use the word like in replacement of love (sorry darling, I don't like you. I LOVE you.). And the word intelligence for smartness, or cleverness. And being wise is not the same as being intelligent. Come on, people. Learn to live, instead of being cheap replicas of each other. It's nothing unique trying to be unique, nor is it trying to be normal. It is, however, very special to want to be yourself, not because other people told you to be, but because you understand why it is that way. Learn to live, attain that higher level!

Meh, I think people are starting to get me sick. From now on, I'm adding another feature to my blog, lolz. Actually it's not a feature, it's more like a definite signout. You'll see what I mean.

Live

Imbeciles
Every last one
They do not know
Laughing, cursing, crying
It's not the same
To be alive and to live

Fools
Every last one
They do not see
Liking, lusting, loving
It's not the same
To be alive and to live

Retards
Every last one
They do not see
Who, what, how
It's not the same
To be alive and to live

Love you loads, darling. Jin out.

i going broke liaoz...

Sigh, if this keeps up, I'll really end up the househusband, lolz. Spending a lot of money these past few days, think I blew over 300 bucks over the weekend. At this rate, someone really need to keep my money liaoz. Anyone have any good part time jobs to offer me? Must be high pay, require specialised skills, and short hours. My fortes are English, and talking at random. I know a smattering of almost all generic fields of knowledge, and can use chaos logic to an alarming degree. Anyone?

Would my darling like me to say who she is? Everyone's so curious, I just don't know if she wants to become so famous, lolz. Also, just like to know, what would she like me to call her? Besides all those cute cute names, should I call you by the name before the surname, or after? Meh, this shouldn't be in public domain. Alright people, that's all the details you're gonna get. This is supposed to be in private!

Randomness, lolz. This blog is cracking up, nothing interesting happening in my life, and the whole day is spent thinking about her! And what time is NOT spent thinking of her is spent worrying about my fucked up school condition. All my previous perfect scores for Physics have dissapeared, all my near perfect scores for Calculus and Data have also evaporated. Sigh. I feel like crap. Thank God for you, darling. Hope you can give me fresh inspiration. I soooooo need it right now. The pure confusion is just killing me. I can't stand it. So need to see your face, and talk to you, in person. Sigh.

No poetry, can't think in a confused mood. I'm half happy, half sad, half ecstatic, half depressed. Sigh...

work work...

Lolz, third day into the relationship, and we're still going strong. The only problem is, this crazy gang rape of homework that ICPU students have to suffer, sigh. Oh, well, it's actually plenty of time, really, but it's things like this blog that eat up that hours, lolz. Laziness...

Roller coaster models, so complicated, sigh. Need to get a working model up by Thursday, complete an English presentation by Thursday, finish a Calculus extra-credit by Thursday, need to recreate life by Thursday, sigh. Lolz. Scratch that last one. Why Thursday? Cuz I promised my darling the whole day, the trick being if she can get out of the house. And if I can finish this crap. Sigh.

I know I shouldn't be thinking about this, at least not at this stage, but I'm really worried about how this relationship might end. Sigh. Don't want to think too much, but I have real concerns. For instance, I am most probably going to Australia at the end of the year, and she's gonna be doing Form 6 or going to a local U. How will a long distance relationship work? As it is, we've hardly even seen each other. Sigh. Don't want to think about this. Don't worry, darling, we will work this out.

Fluctuating appetite. Wierdness. Sometimes I'm ravenous, sometimes, I could barely touch the stuff, lolz. See what you've done to me, darling? Lolz. No matter, it evens out. At least the mood's not that fickle. Quite a constant happy/pleasant/glowing lately. Niceness. Lolz.

Be waiting for you, dear. Enjoy yourself at work, okay? Not long more to Friday, lolz. Counting the minutes...

She's the Reason

She's the reason why I write
She's the reason why I smile
She's the reason why I wake
She's the reason why I walk
She's the reason why I play
She's the reason why I stay
She's the reason why I do anything at all