addiction...
Is it possible to get addicted to a person? Or rather, is it correct to call it an addiction? Whatever it is, I know that I'm really getting obsessed with Wen. Before this, it was a strong fondness, as in a well balanced love. Now, it's getting insane. Everywhere I look, I somehow expect her to be there, even though it would not make sense for her to be there. Whenever I see other couples, a melancholic sort of envy will well up. Any correspondence from her elicits a surge of excitement, only for it to be quickly replaced with sadness knowing she's not there in person. I wouldn't know if this is normal, because I've never tasted it before. Kinda weird on the lips, but it's both a pleasant honey sweetness and the bitterness of burnt almonds.
I thought I should answer my own survey, since you people have been so nice to do so, lolz:
1. Fallen for a stranger?
Well, she's not a stranger anymore. But I would suppose so, given the very interesting circumstances, which I might explain in a post should I receive the permission to do so.
2. Eaten pasta in darkness?
No, not really. I like to see my food as I eat it. Besides, I could accidentally put the fork in my nose. I have, however, fallen asleep face down in a plate of pasta. Twice. Amazingness.
3. Sung a random song in public?
Always. On purpose. I suppose that's the, err, exhibitionist in me. Lolz.
4. Made out in full view of the public?
Well, I wouldn't say in full view, because we didn't know who else was watching, and we didn't really care. Not like we were asking anyone else to participate. Still, I must say, it was pretty mean to have freaked out the small kids, lolz. Mmm, cola...
5. Eaten raw onions?
Yeah. I don't really like them. Still, I have to learn to widen my palate, if I intend to do any professional food tasting.
6. Cooked something other than rice?
Yeah. Pasta sauce, ribs, random stuff. Also, I bake, as many of you already know.
7. Read War and Peace?
Only the first 3 pages. Damn that was a fucking boring book. It's better as a paperweight, or a murder weapon. Like, death by boredom.
8. Felt so terrible that you could just die? Why?
All my life, because it was pointless. That was up to a month ago, as those of you familiar with current issues in my life should know.
9. Driven into a traffic cone?
Yeah. Stupid driving instructor told me to drive alone. Besides, it wasn't my fault I was sleepy and the steering wheel locked.
10. Been told you're beautiful/handsome?
Yeah, was deluded into believing it as a child, but looking back at photos, I was one ugly little fuck. Realised that a few years back, decided I hated myself. Somehow, I'm inclined to believe it now, especially when Wen tells me that I am. I think she's beautiful too.
11. Bungee jumped?
Nope. I have a weak stomach, hard as it is for you people to believe. And I tend to only do things like that if I have nothing better to do, like gouging out my eyeballs, or flinging my head off a canyon wall, or telling the Russians that tequila's better than vodka.
12. Baked a cake?
Yeah. Most of you should know that. In fact, at least ONE of you have tasted.
13. Told someone to fuck off in their face, and meant it?
Only once, as far as I remember. It wasn't said in an angry tone, more like an icy, iron, warning type of voice. I don't recall being pissed, only tired of hearing all the talking.
14. Fallen asleep in the presence of your significant other?
No, but almost. A number of times. Twice, while driving, but that's not really safe. Once, in my room. No, wasn't doing anything, you perves.
15. Forgotten an important birthday?
Yeah, like my own. I'm generally really bad at dates, especially when they involve numbers. In fact, I think I just suck at numbers in general.
16. Gotten drunk?
Nope, but tipsy yeah. White wines, especially Australian whites taste just like grape juice!
17. Gotten a piercing/tattoo in an unusual spot?
No, but was seriously contemplating a few. But I don't really like permanent stuff. Irreversible things I generally avoid.
18. Painted your nails black?
Nope. Don't paint my nails any color. They're nice as they are.
19. Been slapped?
Yeah. Usually I slap myself. But I can never hit as hard as other people do, for some reason. That's when it's serious. In play, oh, countless times.
20. Been laid?
That remains to be seen, lolz. But seriously, not likely to ever be. Sadness, lolz.
Hmm. That was refreshing. Figlio Perduto is a very refreshing song. Italian, too. Which reminds me I have garlic bread to handle tonight. I know, it's actually French, but that's not the point. The point it is garlic, and I like garlic. Still, makes for a bad making out. Imagine tasting like snails. Ergh. Still, I like garlic bread a lot.
I figured out a way to make a tremendous lot of money from a little bit of work. I decided to become a newspaper columnist. Apparently they pay about 400 an article, and with a weekly column, that's a good 1600 a month. That would cover a lot of things, not least of all my laptop within, oh, maybe by the end of the year? Still, I will need to secure the job first. Besides, it also frees me up to do any other odd jobs. Like, for example giving English tuition. Yeah, the very object of my scorn for the past 11 years will be bent into my cash cow! Mwahahaha! Still, I have very little patience to teach, maybe instead of teaching I will be more like a tutorial, or give essay writing classes. And also write to magazines, cuz they pay a LOT. I'd rather that than some get-rich-quick scheme someone's trying to get me into. It's a whole lot of bullcrap. I tell you, they may have a very smooth set-up, they may even be genuine, but I think I'd rather have a purpose at age 30 and be slightly poorer than the rest than be so insanely rich but have a pointless existence. Anyways, if it were true, then everyone would join that plan and everyone would be rich, meaning no one would be. And no one would work either, rendering all that money useless, right?
I seem to be very intense and faraway these past days. Must be the adjusting brain chemistry to compensate for a new factor in my life. Like, it is still quite hard to keep in logical mind that I belong to someone now. So, for one thing, I must remember not to do anything suicidal, and put on the seat belts. I never wear the seatbelts, sorta like a legacy from the days that I was trying to get myself accidentally killed. Not too accidental, come to think about it. Survival instinct, like previously and repetitively mentioned in many posts, keeps me alive. And now, the will to live for Wen is also an overriding factor. I suppose my parents don't have to worry about their 18 years investment going down the drain. Sometimes it seems that's all I am to them. Something to make sure they don't end up in the old-house. But in that case it would be more efficient to get a bond.
Quite often, even moreso than ever, I've been having wishes of never having been born. It woulda saved many people the heartache. And the money. And the trouble. I know, I'm a lot better person I used to be, but still, I'm not too justified an organism. People often point out, that if it weren't for me, a whole lot of good things wouldn't be in place as they currently are. Well, true enough, but if I never existed, another person would to fill the gap. In that sense, I'm not worth my own time. Important things to consider: Wen would probably be alone right now, or perhaps be someone more worthy of her attention; my parents would have one less useless (yeah, I'm called this often enough) kid around, and saved a bunch of money; my friends would have had one less embarassment to have to bear, but probably have less one person to give them the intellectual stuff they often request of me; and there would be a fewer 60++ poems in the world. It don't quite balance out, if you notice. I'm still better off not existing. But we cannot fix that now, so the trick is to correct the balance, or tilt it to better odds.
Aiks, the hunger pangs for Wen come back. I know this is a little personal, but when you're me you don't tend to care too much about what other people think: I miss her touch, I miss her eyes, I miss her voice, I miss her lips (lolz), I miss her. I do. I do. I do! It's driving me nuts. And this song don't help either: The Wonders - Doing That Thing You Do, playing in the background. Ahhhh! Insanity. And From 6 starts soon. Selfish selfish me keeps hoping that her application to CHS fails and that she will come to Seafield. But the real me hopes that she will get what she really wants, and make the best out of it. Ahh!
It's a mehness world we live in. Evans has gone on another baking phase. Maybe I should make a serious attempt at writing a few articles for the newspapers or something. I really need the money. I'm never gonna get out of this house, and I hate the fact that my parents keeps holding this financial independance over my head. It's not my fault that I was born. Mehness.
I love Evon Terng Ee Wen! Yeah, baby, I know you don't like your name in full, but I love it because that's the full mark of your existence on Earth. And most importantly, if I cannot accept the fullness of your name, I'll never accept the fullness of you. Jin out.
