out here...

It hasn't begun to sink in yet that I'm actually alone now. It still feels that I'm on vacation, and the idea that I'm actually going to have to live like this for at least another year is a bit daunting. Fees are due, and I think I'm likely to run out of cash soon. 10 grand isn't alot when you already owe like 3k. I have nil starting cash. Oh well. Things will be fixed.

Loneliness is setting in. I suppose. Still, the Sees are a nice family, and although the legal issues are extremely frustrating (READ: formal) I SHOULD get along well.

Now there's a ton of things to start doing. There's not a lot of time left in the day, so I should really get started.

The documenting of yesterday's events will have to be done later. Who knows?

I think I'm starting to miss everyone. Then again, there are people here that will become family soon enough. Damn. I hate all this phase things.

Sigh.

P.S. Connection here is SLIGHTLY (yah, right) sucky.

of all the ways...

...of feeling bad, I never thought this would be one of it.

In all my years, I'd never think for once that receiving big fat angpows could make me feel so terrible. I guess that getting amounts in the Ks from people who I know need it more for themselves rather than some less than deserving, and usually ungrateful, brat. Sigh. Ah Mah just gave my dad five thousand in cash for me. That was the thickest wad of 50s I've seen in a long time. But no, can't accept that.

Sigh sigh sigh. Also never thought I could miss people so much. It reminds me alot about something else that happened, but different in the sense that the distance is a lot greater, and almost all oppurtunity to see them again is sufficiently diminished.

For the friends I won't be seeing, I suppose I have a few words of thanks:

Veevs. Knew you from Miss Teng's. No, I don't think she's in business anymore. Didn't quite know you well from those early early early early days, but strangely it's only towards the last few years that we could actually talk logically. Hah! Right. Still don't make sense. Still, I hope I've been useful (right lah...) and if anything, that I've shown there's more to life than straighforwardness (wah, bangga sendiri lah ni). You've been most amusing, at the least, and quite a good confidante and if anything, a chat buddy.

D. Well, D because you're called David by your regular buddies and Darien with your chosen friends. If anything, it's been an interesting walk near your shoes. you have an interesting room, I must admit. You were quite different from how I pictured you to be initially, and yet every bit the same. A rare intellect you are, and I'm grateful to our mutual friend Stan for the intro. I must honestly say, it was the April 4th 2004 entry that really got me fascinated. Too bad it's no longer around. You've been exceptionally good to me, more so than what I could ask for. Thanks.

Evans. Haven't seen you as much as I'd liked. But when you were around, you were a great friend. Learnt a lot from you. Quite intriguing view of life you have, made me notice a few things. Hope I've shared useful things with you. Your availability was great, hope you don't mind all that chauffering in the earlier part of last year. Hope my being there (which isn't worth much) can compensate, lolz. You're a great baker, keep it up. My mom will still buy from you, just call.

Pri. Aiya, all the random kinkiness. Didn't know you so interesting if not I would have gotten to know you a lot better a lot sooner. You made a good dance partner, and most definitely an interesting one. Thanks for the stolen goods. You make a reliable yum char kaki. Mwahahah. I still have your orange box. Swt.

Ry. Form 3 was an interesting year. We didn't share much, but the little we did convinced me I'm not that retarded when it comes to social attunement. I'm still a bit scared of your driving, lolz, but you sure would make a good driver, mwahahah! Thanks for everyting.

Zhao. Dah lama kenal dah. I remember there used to be a time when I was taller than you, lolz. And I recall the time when I used to be the Magic sifu. Those days are gone, but we have stayed in contact for quite long. You still have my hard disk and my Replenish deck. You're SOOOO lucky I'm not going there to play Magic, lolz. Hope I've been useful to you as a friend. If anything I still want my hard disk back.

Last but hardly the least, Evon. This was the reason why things have to be the way they are. I'm sorry it could not be otherwise, but I did not think it fair for either of us to keep it up. True, other people have done it, but rarely have I seen it work out well, and I do not want to hurt you this way. If anything, you've taught me much. No one has ever made me as happy as you have. I hope I've done even the slightest bit for you what you've done for me. What we had was special, and it's not something I'll forget. As to what will come, I make no promises, not least because I do not like breaking mine to you. Know that I still care for you, but things are different now. With what we have, I'm thankful you're still my friend. Thank you.

To those who are disappointed to not see their name on the list, it's probably because I'll be seeing you there anyway, or that we know each other better online than in real life, thereby rendering the whole distance factor to nil. Hah.

It's a short while more. Time for some last minute shopping.

missing things...

Just got back from a rather random gathering of friends. Mabel's leaving on Sunday, Ry on Monday, and me on Tuesday. We had briyani and curry, I think from Melur. Angpows were extremely generous, wakkaka!

In course of doing that, I apparently missed a very good buffet dinner at Valencia, with lion dance and festive stuff all over. And I missed some quality time (I think) with family.

On that balance, I might say that it was a tradeoff of sorts. Family will be there when I return (or at least, they should la). Friends, may not. As things lie, which they do sometimes, leaving to the corners of the globe will probably disperse us. And on occasion for good. I was hoping of going somewhere with familiar places, but that wish eludes me. Sigh.

Interesting to note was that I found Vic particularly cute this time round. ANd then again, so was April. And according to some, so was I. Mwahhaa. You'll never figure me out!

Tomorrow, or rather later today, I'll be going for a lunch. Probably farewell-ish of sorts. Sigh. I should be feeling a melancholic blue of sorts, but it probably escapes my subconcious, the severity of this and all. Goodbye to one phase, hello to another, and the ending of everything I used to know and love. If I did that.

We'll see tomorrow. Hehehe. Eville me hoping for big fat goodbye angpows. This also sort of forces both sides of my family together. Should be amusing, at the least.

Sigh.

for the sake of...

I can't believe I'm eating Pig Trotter Stew and Macaroni. Mwahahaah.

On another note, guys are stupid lying two-faced bitches, but at least we're honest about it.

Meh.

skin deep...

Apasal-lah aku emo sangat masa ini. It's fucking annoying to be so emotional, especially since I have nothing to be emotional about.

Anyways, this reminded me of something that I said to myself recently. It seems that once in awhile, Veevs actually has something in depth AND interesting to say, as opposed to in depth and boring.

I used to think, when I was a child, that looks weren't that important. So I lived exactly that way. And I suppose that was quite fine for awhile, since I was quite a cute child, at least, for some time.

Of course, age caught up, and so did appearances, and while intelligence grew, neither wisdom nor common sense followed. I basically lived in the idea that I was as cute as the child I was (honestly leh, I didn't even think much about the way I looked, because I was always told I was such a handsome boy. Liars). I was quite oblivious to the fact that I had become somewhat of a source of visual repulsion, as well as somewhat of a social one at that.

The thing about a high level of intelligence is that you have the tendency not to have too great a sense of awareness about you. I was quite blissfully unaware of the real situation (which, in retrospect I'm probably better off for because I most certainly would have slashed myself if I knew otherwise), and behaved as such. Looking back, it's no surprise that I didn't keep friends for long. That said, people would come to me for advice on the very things I had no experienced on (READ: love lives, etc.). I think now that it's because that they felt safe since I would tell no one, because people were mostly not interested in me.

Okay, fine. They were. But for other reasons (READ: using me). And again, high intelligence = low awareness. Had I a picture, I'd probably show you what I mean. Sometime later, I finally figured it out. Strokes of genius arrive at the lowest times. I basically destroyed a lot of evidence of my past; memories, writings, pictures (hence the lack of pictures to show you).

I realise now that despite what people; friends, family (especially family; tell you, looks matter. I recall being told that appearances didn't matter, it was only what you really are inside that counts. Or in the case of achievements, it's what you really do. The world is an ass raping bonanza. It's not what you are, or what you do that counts. It's what it SEEMS you are, or what it SEEMS you did.

In that knowledge, I am an unfogivable idiot. I have everything that technically allows me to claim the title of a perfect person (barring that all-too-impossible moral perfection la). I have brains (mwahaha, bow down to me, know-nothings!) and the capacity to carry it out. Yet, I do not have the looks, I do not have the appearances of someone who does things. So, I am passed over frequently.

I am used often. Of that I have no doubt. And I allow it. Why? Darien does it to build up karma (he calls it an emotional bank account). I do it because I am otherwise alone. I have nothing else that would draw people to me, which is strange in a way because I do not like people. I do not like all this, and yet it is hard to erase what is innately us.

Leaving this place is probably the best thing that can happen to me. I'll be far away from a lot of things, in a place where at least my appearance can only pose so much a hindrance for me.

Looks matter. I do not.

girls...

If there's any cause for the downfall of a great guy, it's a woman. They're probably the most incomprehensible, ridiculous things ever. That said, we're probably more ridiculous for needing them.

The biggest headaches are female. Is it any wonder why they name the worst hurricanes after them? In the most obvious case of humans mimicking nature, the guy who came up with that idea was an utter genius.

This evening, I spent the day with two lovely ladies. Two ladies that are right now making me wish that humans reproduced by asexual cell division. Not that I have any romantic interest in them. No. It is more like the very fact that they are female, and that they were displaying typically female social traits that makes me feel that it would be better off if we had spore caps rather than balls.

Female politics are a total ass fucking when you're a guy. If you laugh at the things they say, you're insensitive. If you agree with what they say, they'll yell at you for making fun of them. And if you give a totally logical opinion, they'll mock you for your stupidity. And the most obvious answer is the last thing on their minds.

If you get to know a girl, you'll notice that they tend to fit easier into the social strata than you do. That's because, by some absurd twist of fate, social behaviour is somehow engineered to fit with the way girls do things. All that social grooming and gossiping and what-have-yous. The male ideal is seen as anti-social. So frustrating.

Another thing, although not exclusively female, but more prevalent in females than males, is the tendency to lump groups of people together. Girls, particularly, seem to enjoy treating people according to the company they keep. Guys tend to be less judgemental. Ape gila sial perempuan...

As romantic prospects, girls pose a serious complication. Either they'll make you broke, or wish you were. You can't win. If you don't buy an appropriate gift (more often than not expensive) you'll be killed. If you do, you'll be broke. Hell, not only must it be pricey, it must also be meaningful. Argh! Sometimes, they'd rather you do it by hand rather than buy it. In which case, be prepared to spend a hell lot of time as well as money. Any less than that and they'll accuse you of not loving them enough. Valentine's day. Haha!

So why do we bother? Yeah, there's the whole girl thing; they're nice to hold, nice to cuddle, nice to have pamper you, nice to say sweet nothings to, nice to kiss. There's that. And then, there's Brokeback Mountain.

friends...

Hah! And someone once told me that friends are the greatest treasures you can have. He sure never told me that they can be a royal fucking pain in the ass!

Take for instance two friends, who will remain annonymous mostly because you can't tell that they're a Jules and Ryan. I don't know what the fuck is up between them, but it's getting annoying playing along with their avoiding each other thing. As far as I can tell, Jules did something to piss Ry off, or somewhat, and has attempted to make amends. Given that Ry is the easily jealous type, as well as rather vengeful, it does not do to make a guess at what happened. The truly infuriating part is that neither will tell me what happened, and it seems like I'm the most likely intermediary. It absolutely fucking pisses me off when my friends are like this, not because I do not like the discord and whatnot, but because it inconveniences me to keep the social stratum in line.

The other day, Eva said that I seemed cuter than usual. And then Evon had to list the three types of cute: that-boy-is-sooo-cute cute, or that-puppy-is-sooo-cute cute, or that-retard-is-so-fucking-annoying-I-want-to-rip-out-his-fucking-ugly-face-but-is-adorable-anyway-cute cute. Apparently, I'm a combination of two of them, but I do not know which. I am either flattered, or extremely insulted.

And then there's the Stupid Piggi that decided to go to Perth instead of Melbourne, and also owes me a game of bowling. Apa la!

Then again, sometimes instead of micturating all over your face, they worry the fucking hell out of you.

A friend of mine just broke up with his girl. This particular friend is what you'd describe as your technical psychic other half. Picture yourself, in a black mirror. Basically, a physical equivalent of sorts, but an entire psychological opposite, where ideas come into play. Same thought processes, but opposite results. Digression aside, this situation isn't exactly the most comfortable, although I have yet to actually ask him about it. Then again, given that I'm having a few problems of my own, I'd likely only fuck up the situation a lot further, as I'd do usually.

And then there's Zhao. He's worrisome in another way, in that his reckless regard for money may potentially end up killing him. That, and his extremely expensive courtship methods, or as he calls them, "for fun only". His fun is certainly very fun, for the fucking retailers, that is. I do not know any guy who would go out and get a pure pale bitch for a chick's present, which was "for fun only". Worrying, not in the least because he's a potentially broke bankrupt, but more in that he doesn't end up spending the same amount on his friends. Where the fuck are your priorities, man!?!

Sigh. I really do not know what to say. Friends are supposed to be a blessing, and half the time, I wonder if they aren't a curse. If they can't prove useful, or amusing, in the least, then why the hell do we bother having friends? Someone once told me, that real friends are concerned for each other. Hell yeah. A fat lot of good being concerned for my friends has done. I'm wasting a bit too much time worrying about them.

I should just get a dog.