skin deep...
Apasal-lah aku emo sangat masa ini. It's fucking annoying to be so emotional, especially since I have nothing to be emotional about.
Anyways, this reminded me of something that I said to myself recently. It seems that once in awhile, Veevs actually has something in depth AND interesting to say, as opposed to in depth and boring.
I used to think, when I was a child, that looks weren't that important. So I lived exactly that way. And I suppose that was quite fine for awhile, since I was quite a cute child, at least, for some time.
Of course, age caught up, and so did appearances, and while intelligence grew, neither wisdom nor common sense followed. I basically lived in the idea that I was as cute as the child I was (honestly leh, I didn't even think much about the way I looked, because I was always told I was such a handsome boy. Liars). I was quite oblivious to the fact that I had become somewhat of a source of visual repulsion, as well as somewhat of a social one at that.
The thing about a high level of intelligence is that you have the tendency not to have too great a sense of awareness about you. I was quite blissfully unaware of the real situation (which, in retrospect I'm probably better off for because I most certainly would have slashed myself if I knew otherwise), and behaved as such. Looking back, it's no surprise that I didn't keep friends for long. That said, people would come to me for advice on the very things I had no experienced on (READ: love lives, etc.). I think now that it's because that they felt safe since I would tell no one, because people were mostly not interested in me.
Okay, fine. They were. But for other reasons (READ: using me). And again, high intelligence = low awareness. Had I a picture, I'd probably show you what I mean. Sometime later, I finally figured it out. Strokes of genius arrive at the lowest times. I basically destroyed a lot of evidence of my past; memories, writings, pictures (hence the lack of pictures to show you).
I realise now that despite what people; friends, family (especially family; tell you, looks matter. I recall being told that appearances didn't matter, it was only what you really are inside that counts. Or in the case of achievements, it's what you really do. The world is an ass raping bonanza. It's not what you are, or what you do that counts. It's what it SEEMS you are, or what it SEEMS you did.
In that knowledge, I am an unfogivable idiot. I have everything that technically allows me to claim the title of a perfect person (barring that all-too-impossible moral perfection la). I have brains (mwahaha, bow down to me, know-nothings!) and the capacity to carry it out. Yet, I do not have the looks, I do not have the appearances of someone who does things. So, I am passed over frequently.
I am used often. Of that I have no doubt. And I allow it. Why? Darien does it to build up karma (he calls it an emotional bank account). I do it because I am otherwise alone. I have nothing else that would draw people to me, which is strange in a way because I do not like people. I do not like all this, and yet it is hard to erase what is innately us.
Leaving this place is probably the best thing that can happen to me. I'll be far away from a lot of things, in a place where at least my appearance can only pose so much a hindrance for me.
Looks matter. I do not.
