Sunday, March 20, 2005

absurdity...

Okay, my sister asked me to write a story ending with, finally he understood, so I did. It was a very random story that meant nothing at first. But now I can see the symbolism inside. Hmm, I was thinking that maybe it's not me who can write after all, but I'm just the medium for a divine hand to write through. Anyways, I want y'all to read it and tell me if you know what it's about.

Absurdity

Nathaniel had finally hit 18. His parents had both died in a tragic zoo accident involving an elephant and sugar cane while the boy was still a babbling toddler. Ever since then, he lived off the estate left by his writer father and heiress mother with his slightly demented grandfather. His father’s father had suffered 2 strokes and a persecution by the Nazis in his time, and it was no surprise that the old man had a little trouble keeping grasp of reality. Nonetheless, he did a good job parenting the young Nathaniel.

Each morning, old man Frank would tell the handsome young Nathaniel, “seven doors down, two houses off, nine stories up.” And always, a bewildered look would cross Nathaniel’s face. Most of the time, he would just shrug it off, and go about whatever it was that he was going to do. After all, that demented old man was probably just rambling anyway, what with all his laughing to himself.

However, one morning, his grandfather was not there to spout his incomprehensible gibberish. Instead, the old man was sitting on the porch smoking a pipe. The old man seemed to have his faculties with him, most unlike other mornings. He handed a folded slip of paper to Nathaniel, stood up, and walked right out the door. He walked and walked and walked till he disappeared down the lane, towards the sea.

Nathaniel was puzzled, but not all that surprised. He went about his daily activities, and waited for his grandfather to return. One day passed, two days passed, three days. No sign of the old man. Finally, he decided the old man had probably thrown himself into the sea in a fit, and he opened the folded slip. On it were the words: seven doors down, two houses off, nine stories up. He never understood what that meant, even though he had heard it almost everyday of his life. He always assumed it was supposed to be some sort of direction to some treasure hidden by the Nazis towards the end of the war.

Nathaniel cleaned up the house of his grandfather’s personal effects, to pack away in a box, just in case he really was dead. In the process, he discovered among his grandfather’s documents a letter from his parents. Inside, there were the correspondence between his father and his grandfather, asking on advice on some matter he couldn’t see from the faded ink. It did mention the city of Paris, and the words: seven doors down, two houses off, nine stories up vaguely apparent on the crusty old letter. Curiosity stirred the blood of this young man, and he packed his belongings and set off for Paris.

In Paris, he followed the rough numbers on the letter to the seedy corners of the French city. As he walked through the rubbish strewn streets, old ladies poked their heads out the window, gave astonished looks, and quickly slammed down the shutters. Old men whispered behind his back, and young children ran as he came down the roads. All the while, he trudged on, wondering in his mind at all the weird behaviour going on around him through his entire life.

Finally he came to a small building. The door was partially open, and he walked in. An old androgenous person was sitting in a chair. He was greeted by an equally androgenous voice.

“Ah, finally. Young Nathaniel has made his way home…” The harsh voiced scraped across his ears like nails on a chalkboard. The figure stood up, and handed him a key. “Seven doors down, two houses off, nine stories up,” it said, and walked out the open door behind Nathaniel.

The stunned youth just stood rooted there for a second. He recovered quickly and dashed out the door. The figure was nowhere to be seen. Puzzled, he looked at the key and decided to walk the streets. “Seven doors down, two houses off, nine stories up,” he kept repeating to himself.

Soon he came to a long warehouse with many doors. Seven doors down, he noticed there were two houses sitting across the river from the warehouse. He came to a bridge over the river, where he spotted the androgenous figure again. The harsh voice came out, “Good, good. You have made it thus far…” and it turned and walked off.

Not to be thrown off like the last time, Nathaniel ran after it, but again, it lost him. Frustrated, we walked to the two houses, which looked a lot like the warehouse he just passed back then. He came to the second one, which was only one story high. He was puzzled, like he always was. He sat down outside the door to think.

Suddenly he noticed a really tall glass building in the horizon. He ran towards it with the excitement of a bloodhound on the trail. He reached the large glass door, and put the key into the keyhole. It wouldn’t fit. He tried to smash the black glass door, but it wouldn’t give way. After half an hour of pointless fury, he walked round the back, to find an open door there. Smacking his forehead at his stupidity, he went in and ran up the staircase immediately inside.

Nine stories up, he came to a wide door made of metal. He could detect no sound from behind the door. He put the key into the keyhole and turned. He opened the door, to a thunderous applause. There were people sitting all around, clapping. In the middle of the well lit stage was his grandfather, with a big screen flashing the sign “This Is Your Life!” Standing next to him, were two very familiar faces.

Old man Frank’s voice boomed, “This is your life Nathaniel, a whole big reality show from the age of 3 to 18, every last minute of it. Your whole life was a stage play, open for the world to see. Your parents were even part of it all. Weren’t you?” The two people nodded their smiling faces.

As he screamed a primal howl, it suddenly came apparent to him how absurd his whole life had been. It hit him how the world always seemed very small, how he was always being watched, how it was always so unnatural. The scream was as unending as the thoughts that flooded his mind.

Somewhere in the real world, Neo awoke. Finally, he understood.

another survey

I seem to be addicted to attention. An attention seeking loser asshole, that's how I would describe myself right now. Anyway, to indulge myself, I decided to make up another survey, about myself. I want truthful answers, anyone found lying will be sentenced to a weeks ignoring by me. Muahahaha. Wait, that means I'll be isolated for a whole week. Oh well.

The rules: no rules, just answer 1 to 5 to the following questions, where 1 is disagree completely, and 5 is agree absolutely. Kinda like those cheesy surveys, but then again I'm quite a cheesy person. Here goes...

1. I am a cheesy person.

2. I am an arrogant asshole.

3. I can write well.

4. I am drop dead gorgeous.

5. I make other people's lives better.

6. I make other people's lives more interesting (not the same thing as no. 5)

7. I have talent in photography.

8. My manner of speaking is condescending.

9. I am very attention seeking.

10. I need a girlfriend.

11. I need a new look.

12. I should criticize myself more often.

13. I should bake more often.

14. I should get a car.

15. I must really stop asking stupid surveys like this.

There you go. Now, I expect full and honest answers from everyone. Don't give a fuck whether you'll hurt feelings or not. You can post annonymously. I want to know for real what people think about me. Now go.

Tell Me

Tell me
What you really think of me
Behind sweet smiles
You hide your deep hate

Tell me
What you really see in me
Behind approving glances
You hide evil glares

Tell me
What you really want of me
Behind generous gestures
You hide covetous hearts

Tell me
What you want me to be
Behind kind acceptance
You hide your ostracision

Saturday, March 19, 2005

not about me...

Hmm. Can't seem to get rid of that extraneous post from yesterday. No matter. On to today...

Evans is really a lot deeper than he seems to be. Like for instance take yesterday. We went to yum char, although the original invitation from him was for Thursday. I agreed, especially after he said he was going to bring Ing Ling along. Those two seem to have a thing going on. Anyways, it turns out that 10.30 was too late for her to go out. So the both of us went to Sea Park to have tea. Actually, it was dinner for Evans and a Leng Chi Kang for me. Not too shabby. It even had those quail eggs that are really hard to find, lolz. Anyways, we talked about all the random things about the people that we know mutually, and about how much we missed school life and everything. As we got home, I began to get this really melancholic feeling, so we adjourned to the USJ 5 park to talk. Although it was initially me that had the world to say, but Evans began telling all those niggling problems in his life. Really. From his exterior, you wouldn't think he could be such a savage and selfish person, at least by actions. Not that that's bad, mind you. It's good, because he was the one who pointed out that he felt really really bad about it, but it was his nature, especially for someone placed with so many expectations, and everything, but not given the oppurtunity to express his own wants and needs. And how do you let the world know what you want if they won't listen? You have to take it yourself.

Personally, he and I are two really really different people, with almost nothing in common, except that we like to drink tea. I can understand and agree to practically everything he does and says, because I know what it's like, but I cannot myself practice such a life. I think I truly envy him, a lot. Like I envy everyone else. It's not healthy, but it's the way everyone is, isn't it? He has this brutal honesty that I thought I had, so clean and clearcut, without malice or deceit. If he hates something or someone, he makes it clear. When I asked him what everyone else thought of me, I was strangely relieved to get the reply. Apparently, everyone thought I was a stuck up asshole not worth half his crap. And I agreed. Absolutely. It was true as day, and how not to? His honesty was a breath of fresh air. So much better than what I'm used to hearing about how nice, or how it's not my fault or this and that. Why is it that we all can't be like him? Just speak our minds. Politics, I think, was the thing that fucked up our whole lives. While everyone hates everyone, they all put on a smile and pretend to like all the losers around them. True, there are some people that you really can't hate, but then there are also those other people that you totally despise and just put up with.

Two college friends pointed out how absolutely true the above can be. Now, I normally don't name people, but I'm sure Pok wouldn't care either way. In fact, he would probably chastise me on Monday about being so evil and whatnot, but this case bears special merit. Anyways, there's this guy Keith in my English 3U class. He's a fucking arrogant asshole, even more than me, apparently, but I don't see how that's possible. It seems that everyone hates him in one of his classes, I forget which. His manner of speaking is like that of a pretensious half-wit, what with his extremely fake accent, British in manner, apek-ish in execution. He has this propensity of behaving as if he has a crown on his head, where in reality it appears as if the crown was shoved up his rear. He will criticize to no end what everyone does, and tries to justify his arguments in the most absurd manner ever. He is so opiniated that even I can't fathom. When cornered, he just waves his hands in exasperation and says: whatever. He has the most annoying habit of throwing cynical glances at the person next to him whenever someone else is talking. And he's a fucking usurper that tries to wrest power away from the leader, by making condescending statements like: "I will sacrifice myself for the good of the team..." and other shit. And when given a 800 word esay to write on himself, he goes up and writes a 9 page thesis on how wonderfully good his English is, and a whole bunch of crap. I think possibly the worst trait that he has is that he likes to tell stupid jokes that aren't even in the remotest funny, and then laughing to himself. Especially when doing presentations. To be fair, maybe he's just unused to the city life, cuz he's from Malacca. And I don't suppose that I'm the best person to judge him, considering I am very very like him, so much so I get scared when I see this mirror everytime he says something. And the whole point of the description is, the class makes it no secret that they hate him. They gang up against him in his presentations, shooting him down like a crow-pie. They protect each other from his assaults. And yet, he is quite oblivious to all of it, or if he isn't, he's a fucking good actor. See the honesty?

Sigh, maybe this is the very reason this won't work. People will be too oblivious to it. Especially those self absorbed nits like Keith. And me, lolz. Seriously, I would rather people tell me how much they hate my guts and how much they want to run me over with a train. I hate all this deception where everyone tells me how much they admire me this admire me that, and secretly hope that I would drop dead. If you hate me, or anyone for that matter, I suggest that you tell them to their face. Or slap me really hard. Like, with a frying pan with nails jutting out the bottom. You get the idea.

Pok needs a girl. I made a bet with him, who will get a girlfriend first, and the stakes was a Starbucks coffee to the last bachelor. And an additional one every year past. Seriously, I think it will take a bit of work to win this one. He's such a fucking shy and secretive guy, it's hard to know what he's thinking. According to Adam, in Form 2, everyone was asking him what essay he wrote for the Chinese paper, but he kept it to himself for 2 fucking years! What the hell? And another wrench thrown in is the fact that he only likes to look, and not touch. Or talk. Or anything else. He only likes to ogle at girls, which I told him was very lame if he wasn't going to do anything about it. Gonna take some work. Must get Adam to throw some weight behind my plan, seeing as how the both of them and a Dominic are best friends. Guess I'll be talking a lot less to Pok now that Adam's in the ICPU, too.

Haven't seen Veevs or Kavs around for awhile. I heard Veevs has finally settled into the A levels. Finally. And Kavs I have no news of. I know nothing about Vic, or Ry, or anyone in the dance group, even though I see them every Monday, at least. Or Zhao for that matter. I did see Sin Hun and Alyna and Looi yesterday, but hardly long enough to find out anything of use. Seems that I'm losing touch with all my friends. Sigh, the circle begins again. Must shake this asshole-ic habit of making and losing all touch with friends with such regularity.

Tabloid Writer

The tabloid writer types away
Typing words meant to dismay
And although the words are hard to rationalise
They are really only meant to sensationalise

A bitter truth is what he reveals
But to the public is what it appeals
And knowing that his news will sell
He says, "Bah, they can all go to hell!"

Friday, March 18, 2005

i'm baaaaack

Hi all. Hmm. Back from a two week writing hiatus and no one seems to have missed my writing. Meh. Only my newest reader seems to have missed anything, and that person has only begun reading during my two week absence. Shame on you people.

Darien pointed something out. People only repsond to you when you write about them, not when you write about yourself. Hahaha. This blog is now gonna be a place of much writing about other people from now on. You people couldn't care to respond about me, so now I will savage everything and everyone! Muahahahaha! Then we'll see who cares!

The tone of this place is gonna change alot. I will still post poetry here, but my private journal will be the only place I write personal stuff on from now on. Here will be a public entertainment spot, and will have very little personal stuff, if at all. Mehness.

Shocked yet? No? Haha. Good. Saves more if it for the coming posts. Muahahaha!

Back From Beyond the Grave

The dead man rose
And looked around
And saw that no one cared
What was then his life
And now they'll care
When he comes back from death
And they will know
And they will bow
And all will cower
When he unleashes breath
A long wind stagnant
And they will feel his presence
Where they ignored it in life
What they will fear in death

Thursday, March 03, 2005

why so ugly...

Yeesh. I just realised I looked like an oversized wreck of a person. Just killed my self-esteem for the remainder of the week. Probably will hide in my room and cry for the next 3 days. Those huge panes of glass in shop fronts tend to do that to you. But I like how the hair's coming though. But the rest, yech.

Hmm. When since should a guy be whining about all this anyway? And a guy like me too. It's all gone terribly wrong, and you know it, when someone like me turns like that. Must be the food. Or something in the water. Or it's hormones. Meh. Reproductive cycles disrupt so much, as much in males as in females. Researchers have just proven that guys also have monthly hormonal cycles that make mood changes, sometimes even more drastic than girls. The reason it remained undetected for so long is that the female gender happens to have a more obvious biological cycle to pinpoint their mood swings, whereas males do not. But it seems that males are even more subject to hormonal changes than females. And there's a lot more, but I can't remember. This might explain my wierd wierd moods. Or maybe not. Meh.

I seem to have a slightly more feminine mind than most of the guys I know. I don't know wether to be worried, or to take it as an asset in to catching a mate. Speaking of which, I seem to be a lot more sensitive to scents and flavours these past few days. Eeewe. Like a pregnant lady, lolz. Seriously, I don't have to overdose on sugar and salt to taste stuff. That's a tad bad when eating out. Everything tastes so extreme. Hmm.

Confusion

Left right
Day night
Baker's Delight
Because it rhymes without reason
It loads up on confusion
Like smells without source
Or workers without a boss
Perhaps rain without a cloud
Or a loser who is proud
A large perplexed bunch
Eating overflavoured lunch
Of tofu salads and plain water
Like calling your son your daughter
It's all a big illusion
Something we call confusion

survey by gender

I have nothing interesting to report today. So, I thought I might run a little survey, by the gender. Just to see opinions. Hmm.

1. Do girls like smart guys (not wise-guys, smart as in the capacity to process intelligence)?

2. Do guys like girls that are smarter than themselves?

3. In a guy, looks, brains, or wealth? You can only choose one.

4. In a girl, personality, social background or education level? You can only choose one.

5. In a girl, shorter or taller, or doesn't matter?

6. In a guy, shorter, taller, or doesn't matter?

7. Would you date an older girl?

8. Would you date a younger guy?

9. Do common interests play an important role in mate selection?

10. How much do horoscopes, birthdays, or names matter in mate selection?

Looking forward to some interesting replies from you people. If I don't get many, like my advice column, I think I might just go out and shoot myself out of boredom. Meh.

Answers

For every question
There is one
For every smart remark
There is one
And for every survey
Hopefully there is at least one

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

unimportance

Have you ever wondered how much weight you put onto the most unimportant things in your life? Like what to eat for lunch, or how you're gonna make it home in time for that soap opera. Or how the choice of soda you make today might influence your spending habits in future years. Or how what you say might make people think of you. Or how much your hurting yourself hurts other people. Or global warming. Or how McD's salads are actually disguised beef patties. Meh.

Sometimes, we should just sit back and render everything in our lives unimportant. Even our loved ones. Yes. Radical, no? But seriously, do that. Take that walk barefooted on burning tarmac, or a swim in hyper-chlorinated water. Or down that last 90% proof cocktail. On fire. Or do something crazy, but not likely to kill you. Like what I did on Sunday. Walking in the rain on a Sunday morning. Literally. We learn to let go of everything.

An interesting consequence of those actions is that the real importance of everything we have rushes back at us, at their true values. We realise how much other people mean to us, how much that tube of lipstick means to us, how much the remote control means to us, and how much we are worth to each and everyone of them. And we know that we are not truly alone even if we are.

The danger remains that you may not know when to stop letting everything go. Or even worse, not knowing when to pick them up again. I almost fell for that on Sunday. On Monday, I was on one of my most public meh-moods ever. I almost let everything go. Really. I was kinda like that in dance class too. Meh. And after a rather minimal dinner (much smaller than I eat now even), I sat down to write. A story. Not half done yet, but I think it might amount to something. It brings to the arrival of a thought. That nothing really matters, and yet, everything matters so much as well.

Ever given thought to how your actions are dictated by how you feel towards other people? Yeah, yeah cliched, but answer the question anyway. I thought so. We think we thought about other people, but more likely than not, we actually thought about what we wanted other people to think about us, rather than about the persons themselves. That's not a bad thing, but a tad hypocritical. And it means that we will miss doing something really meaningful very very often.

Many times I wanted to say something. Many times I gave in to that. And it so often was a mistake. After that, I decided that even if I had to say something, I wouldn't, more for the sake of people thinking stuff of me, rather than for the actual reason they would say anything about me at all. And I missed many many oppurtunities because I could not stand for what I believe in. Damn, it's a hard habit to break, but it is breaking nontheless. I still do those stupid shut-up-because-that's-all-I'm-good-for things, but I hopefully will be able to find a way out of it.

I have very little self worth right now. Very. It comes and goes, but this time my arrogance does not seem to help me override that niggling you're-nothing-but-crap feeling. Which leads to me contemplating today's whole unimportance issue. But then again, if bad things never happened, we would not have good things either. Nothing to compare it with. Hmm. More food for thought.

Shut up

Shut up, boy
That's what I used to hear
And one day
I decided it was worth to bear
And shut up I did
And said nary a word
Even if it was something I wanted
Or to insult a foolish turd
I wouldn't speak
I wouldn't talk
I wouldn't yell
Or scream or balk
Then one day
It came to light
I had to speak
To break a fight
But no not I
I wouldn't budge
I just shut up
Fearing I would be called sludge
I had to speak
Telling truth or having lied
It didn't matter I didn't talk
So I just shut up and died