in summary...

... this year has been extremely close to being both the best and worst year of my life.

Did a double overload while holding on to a job, but discovered that the general idea of overworking is pretty much just average-ish for me.

Gained weight, but I think a lot of it is muscle mass. Then lost it again. Or something.

Threw out most of my clothes, but found that you don't really need that many, even existing within a stereotypically judgemental subset of the population. Or maybe it's a good thing.

Gained a few furry friends. And a few less furry ones as well.

Got a job interview with a big multinational accounting firm, but apparently didn't fit in with their rather rigid style.

Has no work offers on the plate, but has a paid PhD offer from current work. Academia is less than tempting right now, but given the right terms, it might be fun to do something totally unlike me.

Has a slight dent in the cash money department, but at least I can say I can survive another couple of months jobless.

Lost a lover but found a depth that extends beyond that. Maybe the future lies with things of no certain patterns, but a determination that nobody can put down on paper and make you sign. Or maybe it's just letting go of futile dreams of partnership and just letting live with going as I came.

Closing the book of old things, and opening a new sketch pad, because the future belongs to things with a bit more depth than words can say alone.

famous last words...

... it's perfectly safe...

... the dragon isn't home...

... I've done this before...

... what's the worst that could happen...

... it's just a small chilli...

... let's just listen to mom...

... just a little bit more...

... I'm done with uni forever...

old old, new new...

Was robbed about a month or two ago, lost just about everything that mattered. All the laptops were gone, as was my shiny new monitor. Took a stack of money, as well as left a mess around the place.

It shows how little material possessions are worth when we replaced them all within a week. Sure, I was broke as hell, but when you're shelling out half your savings replacing stuff, it tends to be that way.

Finally finished most of the remaining bits of voluntary hell. One more paper in two days, and then a presentation and poster a week after and it's all over.

Things have been cordial, and to a degree affectionate, with the Rabbit. He's done with this run of scholar-isms, but to my somewhat dilute amusement is thinking of throwing himself back in again. His plans of globe trotting for "networking, relatives blah blah blah", as well as his insistence on holding onto archaic notions of filial duty and religion assure me that there will be no steady future for us.

So, all fun and games it is, but much as I can ignore such crap in other acquaintances, I find it all intolerable for a mate, and even less so for a self-confessed scientist. He'll have a fun time explaining all his occult voodoo bullshit to the education board, if his plans get where he wants.

In the short future, I guess there are worse things to look forward to, although I don't think I could care enough to save the world. Idiots are idiots, even well meaning ones. From what I can see, even a nuclear apocalypse will not do enough to get them to think. Live life cool and short, and leave it quick.

small things...

It takes only a series of small pains to drive anyone insane. A huge loss we can deal with. We become numb, things are not clear.

Today it's increasingly clear that it only takes a few small things to set me off.

I find myself talking to stuffed toys, finding more comfort in the cotton and synthetic fluff than people whose sham lives are an equally condemning reflection of your own.

All you need sometimes is just a little good news to make a tragic day good enough.

Fuck you, 3G Hutchinson. Fuck you and your fucking abysmal customer service policies. The moment the contract runs out, you won't see a fucking dime from me.

quick paces...

Is like dealing with faces.

Deluge of workload and dealing with it like a rock deals with a flood.

Got robbed Thursday, got replacement items on Friday, still need things to help the girls because they're frankly not too good with dealing with the issues.

The enthusiasm of the police here is refreshing from the frothing apathy you would expect from police elsewhere.

Is broke broke, and doesn't look like I'm moving out anytime soon, although fortune might dictate bigass lottery win, no?

trust...

Today, I have come to the relatively un-startling conclusion that I cannot trust anyone. Or rather, there is nobody I can trust.

I can't trust my family because they are either too blind to see, or they just would rather now know.

I can't trust my friends because they will tell me things I want to hear, or things I need to hear in a way that is the same as not hearing it at all.

I can't trust my acquaintances, because they are superficial at best.

I can't trust my enemies because they are all dead.

I can't trust strangers because 80% of the people in the world are stupid, and statistically, that invalidates 95% of the things said to me by strangers because the stupid ones talk the most.

I can't trust my teachers because I am naturally distrustful of designated authority. So by extension, everyone who is "higher" that I am.

I can't trust religion, because let's face it, religion is stupid and FOR the stupid.

I can't trust people on random fora, because they are strangers, which draws back to the above.

I can't trust him, because much as his intentions are good, there are just too many good things that we had that he threw away for the inconsequential, and the occasionally downright insulting.

And I can't trust myself.

No, not even myself.

corrections...

As much as we desire to correct the world around us to our understanding, often-time, the better reality to live is to allow them to fail in accordance to existing truths.

It is of no benefit to the self to sacrifice much so that those who have neither the capacity nor the will to think should gain from it. The greater good isn't that there are champions to save us, but that we should all strive to attain such great heights.

The glory of benefiting a society that cares not enough to better themselves by their individual parts, but to rely on the labours of the select few to raise them can only be brought down low when the few tire of shoddy treatment. Even worse when they willfully subjugate themselves under yokes of their own making.

There is no point trying to save them from themselves. The religious will always lay their fates and fortunes at the feet of an uncaring deity. The lazy will always hope that social mores will compel the productive into helping them fend. The stupid will not know the difference, and doom themselves into a life of pathetic ignorance.

If you have to pray, you have already failed the goals your god has set you. If you have to wait, already the grains in your hourglass elude your grasp. If you have to check the solution sheet at the back of the textbook, maybe you should just repeat the fucking unit.