News in short:
I might have food poisoning. Can't tell. Nothing in this apartment seems to be clean.
Unrelated news, finally dropped below 100 for the first time in about 10 years.
Exams have been over in a long while. Slacking about mostly.
Returning in mid January.
Examining your change in thought patterns over the years is a dangerous thing to do. It shows you either how flawed you once were, or how much of a sellout you are now.
I used to think of mellowing as a classic sign of aging and breaking down. I now think of it as a classic sign of dying inside or finding religion, in which case you would be better off dying inside.
Sometimes, it's easier to give in, call it maturity, and just be happy.
I like to think I'm happier today than I was a year ago. Depends on what you would call happy, I suppose.
I'm happy that the only truths that matter to me are not written in books. They are written in the things I do, in the things I see, in the words other people speak. Truths are not stories, truths are the things that we learn from (or in marketing terms: a change in the content and organization of memory leading to a change in behaviour).
I've discovered things I could do that I did not think I'd ever consider doing. It's still all very shocking, but as with everything, change makes life livable.
When I begin to doubt my choices, I always tell myself, "Don't speak. You don't know what you're thinking. You don't know what you're saying. You don't need a reason." It's eerily similar to the song.
I know what it's like to have to give up a self-defined social core now.
I know what it's about having to reshape very fundamental thoughts and understanding.
I know what it's like to love, what it's like to lose it, what it's like to be living in a hope that it comes back, to believe it's still there.
I know what it's like to honestly not care what the world thinks, a step beyond just acting it.
I know what it's like to speak in public.
I know what it's like to find myself and find that myself isn't really there to be found, it's there to be made.
I know what friends do, obvious as it should be, unlikely as they seem.
I know what it's like to be honestly crushed, disappointed, to cry when it's not in my character, to smile when I want to kill.
I know that all these can change any day, and they rightfully should.
And I know that I don't have to say something for it to be true, just like believing in something doesn't make it so. That giving up is sometimes the way to move forward, where bull-headed pushing only stalls the engines.
Sometimes at night we want to scream and be answer by a shadowy howl from beyond.
Sometimes the shadowy howl in the night gets answers.
Sometimes those answers aren't as scary as they sound.
Sometimes the wolves don't always want a midnight snack. Or orgiastic feast.
Sometimes they just want to dance.
And sometimes we get to dance with wolves.
Sometimes it feels like I'm chasing the shadow of a dream. A dream so real I can see it in front of me. A dream so lush it feels like a clearing in the forest of nightmares I have to face every waking moment. No nightmare so terrible as one that is mediocre.
And this shadow eludes me. I pour so much into the search, but it does not want to be found. I delight in the hunt, but the misses always crush the spirit. God forbid I shoot myself in the head and end a fruitless search.
Chasing shadows, chasing dreams.
Sometimes, people think of some things as drawbacks.
Things like the protracted period before things start to work.
Things like having to rinse, wash and repeat.
Things like people trying to insinuate themselves into your life.
Things like being gassy.
Things like a chance that something might not go as planned and you end up dead.
Granted, if everything goes well, I'm very sure it's a good trade-off. And for some, the drawbacks might actually be desired effects.
