seeking perfection...

With the certificates all stamped and signed, bludging through a ceremony with an unusually surly mace-bearing university official (likely missing MasterChef), it doesn't get anymore official than that. Huzzah for having endured another Paper-and-Flat-Hat day.

That noted, it's a pretty pathetic job market, or perhaps just sheer sloth on my part, that given how "desirable" my qualifications are supposed to be, not having been handed many "maybes", let alone "yeses" is rather telling. I guess it might just be the economy catching up with the headless-chicken frenzy that was characteristic of the rest of the world for the past three or so years. All still very frustrating with those "maybes" being left at that.

The idea of just dropping the conventional and seeking my own type of perfection has come up, but I'm not exactly a paragon of impulse these days. The insecurity of having no income stream and the obstinacy of refusing to seek help from kith, kin or the government is putting a severe strain on the creative juice bar, and THEIR prices are going up, too.

Even the simple pursuit of a flat mid-section, let alone rippling washboard abs, is increasingly daunting the more progress I make. Beefy I have down pat. Ripped is a more accurate description of my jeans than my body. And drugs to solve that are somewhat out of reach given the financial flow I've outlined above.

And when they say your career is down the crapper, your personal life could not be happier; sort of an inverse relationship. Since I have got no job, I would expect personal relationships and everything to be orgasmically euphoric. However, it's a veritable sea of non-committment a certain party, which, while pleasant, is abysmally frustrating at best. Turns out the opposite of null is mediocrity.

So as a quick checklist to myself, as few are interested and fewer still bother to read:

- got the bloody degrees
- got no bloody job
- got no bloody abs
- got a "we-ain't-in-Kansas-no-more" middle of nowhere type personal thing going, if it were moving

A quarter of a way to nowhere. Not a promising start to a non-existent neither here nor there career of world domination. A personal non-hellish type of Gehenna, perfect in the most imperfect way.

fame and tranquility...

I found it surprising that I could become angrier at the world. It's a common enough thing that people often have their perception of self-worth tied inextricably with their state of employment. The shocker was that I find being free of engagement being infuriating. It's become a situation that is driving my hostility towards the world at large towards an increasingly difficult to manage intensity.

I wonder if it's because I have always prided myself as somehow being better than everyone else. That said, the expectation of gaining easy employment is somewhat contradictory to that position - why should I, if I disdain the human standard, be at all comfortable with working for another? At the very least, I should start gathering my world-domination kit together, no?

In recent years, I feel I have drifted into the position of quiet obsolecence. If there was a saying, I don't know it, so I'll just make it up. Heroes and happiness are not part of the same equation. I think that, to make any significant change in the world, you necessarily have to give up on personal happiness; do not confuse this with satisfaction.

I often drift between flashes of the contented, if selfish, life of a 9 to 5 job with all the plum luxuries and dying a tired old stereotype, to starting a world-shattering doomsday cult (and to be honest, which of them aren't?) and tearing down the travesty that we call civilisation. At the end, I think it most comfortable to be somewhere in the middle. To wield sufficient influence to destroy several lives on a whim, but not so much to attract a lot of unwanted attention.

Fame and tranquility can never be bedfellows.
-Michel Eyquem de Montaigne

pierced and recapped...

Today marks a year since I got pierced. Maybe it's time for a jewelry change.

Incidentally, this year's birthday has also been delightfully mediocre. A welcome departure from typical tragedy, although it certainly could be better. Loves me a lot of cash-money gifts. Could stand to win the lottery, too.

dying...

In wanting to die, do we ever get to experience the satisfaction of receiving it?

in summary...

... this year has been extremely close to being both the best and worst year of my life.

Did a double overload while holding on to a job, but discovered that the general idea of overworking is pretty much just average-ish for me.

Gained weight, but I think a lot of it is muscle mass. Then lost it again. Or something.

Threw out most of my clothes, but found that you don't really need that many, even existing within a stereotypically judgemental subset of the population. Or maybe it's a good thing.

Gained a few furry friends. And a few less furry ones as well.

Got a job interview with a big multinational accounting firm, but apparently didn't fit in with their rather rigid style.

Has no work offers on the plate, but has a paid PhD offer from current work. Academia is less than tempting right now, but given the right terms, it might be fun to do something totally unlike me.

Has a slight dent in the cash money department, but at least I can say I can survive another couple of months jobless.

Lost a lover but found a depth that extends beyond that. Maybe the future lies with things of no certain patterns, but a determination that nobody can put down on paper and make you sign. Or maybe it's just letting go of futile dreams of partnership and just letting live with going as I came.

Closing the book of old things, and opening a new sketch pad, because the future belongs to things with a bit more depth than words can say alone.

famous last words...

... it's perfectly safe...

... the dragon isn't home...

... I've done this before...

... what's the worst that could happen...

... it's just a small chilli...

... let's just listen to mom...

... just a little bit more...

... I'm done with uni forever...

old old, new new...

Was robbed about a month or two ago, lost just about everything that mattered. All the laptops were gone, as was my shiny new monitor. Took a stack of money, as well as left a mess around the place.

It shows how little material possessions are worth when we replaced them all within a week. Sure, I was broke as hell, but when you're shelling out half your savings replacing stuff, it tends to be that way.

Finally finished most of the remaining bits of voluntary hell. One more paper in two days, and then a presentation and poster a week after and it's all over.

Things have been cordial, and to a degree affectionate, with the Rabbit. He's done with this run of scholar-isms, but to my somewhat dilute amusement is thinking of throwing himself back in again. His plans of globe trotting for "networking, relatives blah blah blah", as well as his insistence on holding onto archaic notions of filial duty and religion assure me that there will be no steady future for us.

So, all fun and games it is, but much as I can ignore such crap in other acquaintances, I find it all intolerable for a mate, and even less so for a self-confessed scientist. He'll have a fun time explaining all his occult voodoo bullshit to the education board, if his plans get where he wants.

In the short future, I guess there are worse things to look forward to, although I don't think I could care enough to save the world. Idiots are idiots, even well meaning ones. From what I can see, even a nuclear apocalypse will not do enough to get them to think. Live life cool and short, and leave it quick.