ngu year '08...

i resolve to...

... be less annoyed and more amused.

... find more things to be amused about.

... care even less about stupid people.

... make sure there are fewer stupid people around to care about.

... be more understanding of the fact that since a rough 80% of people are idiots there will be some that cannot be cured and hence should just be accepted for the people they are.

... carve out an empire on a periodic basis.

... make sure that at least one of those empires is not on a piece of rigid cardboard marked out by little purple plastic men and elephants.

... get round to completing that self help series.

... more domineering in a way that makes me look like a leader.

... dupe more people into believing I'm funny.

... make MORE money.

... make said money hopefully off the stupid people I let off because they are simply being who they are.

... take pictures of ridiculous things to mock.

... mock things that I forget to take pictures off.

... lose another third of my weight.

... make that weight appear on a number of horribly underweight friends.

... be more arrogant in a self-assured way that is extremely off-putting yet impossible to resist.

... make wide sweeping statements about things I know nothing about because it will seem like I know a lot where I actually know mostly nothing.

... listen to more upbeat and horrendously misplaced music.

... sing along to the upbeat and horrendously misplaced music in a loud and off-key fashion.

... cause more harm to the people who seem to be begging for it.

... make fun of genitalia.

... either develop a chemical addiction to antihistamines or to find a cure for cancer, AIDS, or ugly.

... be even more amused at everything.

... prevent the conception of as many embryos as I can.

... disrupt as many social conventions as I can in a way that I will be free to be amused at the results.

... be comprehensively sound in my own sense of smug self-satisfaction all the while appearing to take "constructive criticism".

... mathematically prove that God does not hate fags, although smoking IS a very disgusting habit.

... finish all my math homework before attempting that mathematical proof.

... show that all religion is eville and people would save a lot of money buying me sandwiches.

... bring all the world to its knees by kicking everyone in the crotch.

... bring peace on Earth and goodwill to all men, and also women, but not children.

... talk about sex in front of children.

... be decisive.

... ignore a large majority of the above list, or not.

swimming through soup...

Air is very thick
Swimming through soupy muck
Gills would be welcome

Haiku for the freshly home.

scribbles vi...

scribbles v...

how to...

... Appear a Success: the Definitive Guide to Looking Like You Know What You're Doing and Having Fun at the Same Time.

• Approach problems as if this is the gabablooey-jillionth time you've done it.

• Even if you don't know what you're doing, mutter to yourself and nod your head like you do.

• When faced with a situation in which you positively cannot sort out, pose the challenge to anyone nearby, under the pretext of looking for a second opinion because multiple input is the method all successful people use.

• There are few worse things than bungling over something you DEFINITELY know how to do. In such an event, just start again as if nothing happened. If questioned, say the first time was a test run.

• If competition, where you are the clear favourite to win, and you somehow lose, simply shrug and smile. You will appear to have conceded a loss due to you not putting in full effort, or if anything, come across as a very good sport, which ALWAYS makes you look like you've won so often that it doesn't really matter anyway.

• Should a significant other pose a sticky situation due either to your own carelessness or personal hormonal state, you can do one of three things - ignore the problem, become a sopping idiot, or take firm control of the situation. Of these three, the last one best makes you appear on top. Unfortunately, whether or not firm control is the APPROPRIATE way to handle things is moot.

• When it comes to pronouncing difficult foreign words (READ: French, Chinese Menus), there will come a time where you will make a mistake. To avoid the accompanying embarrassment following a correction, simply arch your eyebrow and nod sagely. It will appear as if you are either apologetic for the faux pas, or that the corrective party had passed some obscure/unknown test.

(to be continued...)

springtime...

... for Hitler and Germany, as the cheesy musical goes.

Spring, when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love.

Spring, the squiggly thing that obeys Young's Law.

Spring, the kind of roll they serve at very angmoh-ified Chinese restaurants.

Spring, the action with which you disarm a trap meant to either entangle your lower appendages or used as humour devices in the old Warner Brothers cartoons.

Spring, the onions I rarely ever know what to do with, also confused with shallots.

Spring, an emergence of subterranean water in a relatively constant manner and quality, often bottled to make overpriced tasteless beverages of a very French variety.

Spring, a vale from which I often get roast pork from and eat food in a marine mammal (read: Walrus) restaurant.

Spring, the time where the weather becomes fickle enough that it's too warm to be wearing full length pants but cold enough to freeze off your gonads.

Spring, when MY fancy turns to thoughts of a tiresome existence as a corporate lackey if I keep on this path I'm on.